


He Doesn't Bite (Sans/Reader)

by ComicalFont



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Blood Donation, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Halloween story, Includes Art, M/M, Other, Reader Gender Unspecified, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Same Personality, Sans is Part Vampire, steak dinner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26755399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComicalFont/pseuds/ComicalFont
Summary: Monsters emerged from the Underground just a few short months ago! Since then, you've been a frequent blood donor, to contribute to monster science's new research for curing diseases. On your most recent trip, the head doctor thanks you for all the contributions you've made, and invites you to a steak dinner alongside some volunteers as a thank-you. While you're there, you meet a certain skeleton that winds up near and dear to your heart very quickly. The more you get to know him, though, the more something about his role at the blood bank seems... confusing.Written in honor of Spooky Month, and features art throughout the story by lennyclover on Tumblr!
Relationships: Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Comments: 53
Kudos: 198





	1. Steaks Shouldn’t Bleed

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for checking out my Halloween-themed Sans/Reader story! Remember to check back for a new chapter once every six days. They'll be posted on the 1st, 7th, 13th, 19th, 25th, and 31st!

**He Doesn't Bite (Sans/Reader)**

**Chapter 1 – Steaks Shouldn’t Bleed**

“Good afternoon! Great to see you again, ____!” You’re greeted by the nurse as you step into the blood bank bus. You’d completed all of the sign-up forms in the mall the bus is parked by, so the iron test is all that’s left before it gets drawn again.

This isn’t your first time donating blood, and it sure won’t be the last. With the emergence of monsters from the Underground to the surface a couple of years ago, a whole new body of science has been opened up to try to find cures for conditions and diseases. Therefore, with what monster scientists are capable of, there’s been a greater demand for blood donations than ever before.

A few months ago, you’d casually made the choice to help out with the cause. Monsters becoming part of society is something you’re completely happy with; you’ve never had an encounter with one that wasn’t peaceful and enjoyable. After your first donation some time back, you’d been contacted and told that your blood was healthy enough to be put into use, and that they’d appreciate you returning, if possible. It only stings for a little bit, and you usually get free shirts and food vouchers for it, so you’d made habit out of returning every eight or so weeks, when the required time has passed.

If you get too caught up in your own thoughts, though, you won’t be able to focus on the questions the nurse is asking. You go through the same set as always, giving an honest answer of ‘no’ to all the disease questions. Once that’s been dealt with, she prepares your finger to have a drop of blood taken to test the iron.

“Thanks again for being here, ____. We really appreciate you wanting to help our causes this much.”

“Hey, it’s helping out good people, and I get free burgers for it. What’s there not to love?” Sharing a laugh, the familiar nurse takes the sample from your index fingertip, which might sting a little more than the donation itself. As always, it passes the test, and you’re directed to one of the long seats to lay back on in the bus, where your blood will be safely taken. Peering ahead, you see that the doctor taking it is the same monster as usual; a dog that walks on two legs, with a lab coat over its tank top. You’ve seen him smoke dog treats before when you were out on a walk, but it doesn’t seem to hinder his work.

“Hello! We’re ready to take your blood again! Remember, stay completely still!” The doctor has seemed to have a phobia for things moving when he doesn’t expect it, but that makes him a perfect doctor for doing a blood donation; no one wants to move and risk making him uncomfortable. Following his mandate to _stay completely still_ , he prepares your arm with the usual skin cooler, as you can’t help but notice that he smells like burgers and fries. He must’ve taken a trip before arriving.

“Time to get it started! No moving… please.” He’s gotten better about saying please.

“You got it, Dr. Doggo.” You’re about to use the opposite arm to give a thumbs up, but think better of it. He does the usual needle procedure, which stings for a moment, but isn’t all that bad. Once it’s in, he hands you a rubber ball that looks an awful lot like a chew toy, and asks you to gently squeeze it to get the flow going.

While you do that for a few minutes, a floating horse… being… comes over and hands you a bag of cookies, as well as a can of soda.

“Have something sugary to fuel you back up ; )”

“Erm…. Thanks, Dr. Aaron.”

“No problem, you need that boost during your donation ; )” You make sure to not judge.

“Yeah, I appreciate it, I don’t wanna be too wobbly for the drive home.”

“Hope it’s a sweet snack and drink ; )”

Before he can go on, someone walking a dog strolls by the bus, so Dr. Aaron goes to the window to… flex at them. You’re not sure why he feels the need to do that, but at least that brought an end to the winking. You pull a cookie out of the bag, and see that the frosting’s being designed to look like some anime you haven’t watched. Anime distractions aside, it tastes really good.

Like Dr. Aaron said before his winks, the snacks are a good thing to replenish the sugars you’re losing from donating, so you eat and drink away at them, until your donation’s reached a pint. As per usual, Dr. Doggo gives your forearm a thorough wrap after removing the equipment, and recommends you leave it on for a few hours. He says you can sit down as long as you want to build your energy up with the snacks, as long as you let him know you’re getting up _before_ you do.

“Something… happened once when someone got up without me knowing. You’d rather not know the details.” Nervously clutching onto the medical license that hangs outside of his medical coat, Dr. Doggo gives you your space, and you finish up the cookies and soda. Making sure to give him your warning, you cautiously step off the seat, not wanting to slip and end up donating blood a different way.

Thanking everyone for the clean job they did, you’re about to leave the bus, when someone in the front stops you.

“W-Wait! Er, I mean, would you be okay with hanging on for a minute?” You’re approached by Dr. Alphys, the leader of your region’s blood donations. She was one of, if not _the_ top scientist in the Underground before the Barrier was destroyed, and you happen to reside in the same area as her. Having her apparently be the supervisor for today’s donations is an honor.

“Sure thing, whaddya need?” Dr. Alphys looks out the window for a moment and scratches her face a bit, before turning back to you.

“You’ve actually been our most frequent donator since we started… ____. It’s ____, right?” You nod your head, and she continues.

“W-Well, we’d like to invite you to a celebratory dinner tonight we’re having for some of our top volunteers. With how much you’ve helped, we thought you’d deserve to come, too. T-They’re all kind people, I promise!” She seems a bit alarmed at herself for not telling you that sooner.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t worried about that at all. You’d really wanna do that for me?”

“Of course! You’re helping make our society all the better. If you’ve got the time around 8 tonight, we’d really like to do this to show our thanks.”

“Sure thing! Where’s it at?”

“That new steakhouse just a few miles down the road. It’ll all be on us, you can get whatever you’d like.”

“I’ll definitely be there. Thanks a bunch, I’m sure I’ll enjoy.” You shake hands, but before you leave, you think to bring up something else.

“Oh, kudos to whoever made those cookies. They tasted great, and the design was real cool, even if I don’t know what it’s from.”

“O-Oh, thank you! It’s from an anime called Mew Mew-” She stops and makes a nervous blush, realizing she just gave away exactly who made the cookies.

“...Eheheh, I can t-tell you about it at the dinner later! If you’d like!”

“Of course. See you there, Dr. Alphys!”

“J-Just Alphys is fine, too! We’re eating out, titles aren’t needed.” Making sure to remember that, you step out of the bus, reminding yourself to not eat or drink anything, aside from some more sugary drinks, before you go to the steakhouse. You’ve heard nothing but good things about it, and want a full appetite for a fun night ahead.

* * *

Pulling into a close spot in the parking lot, you step out of the car and take a good breath of the warm August air in. You’ve probably never met most of these people, so you’re hoping long-time volunteers are fine with someone that donates once every two months showing up, but Dr… no, just Alphys, seemed excited. There’s probably nothing to worry about.

Going by how crowded the rest of the lot is, news of this new place has caught around quick. It’s your first time giving it a shot, so you’re hoping they make a mean steak. Locking your car behind you and stepping inside, you’re greeted to a loud wave of chatter from both monsters and humans. With your town’s close location to Mt. Ebott, the mountain that the monsters emerged from, there’s a denser monster population than the rest of the world’s gotten yet. You sure aren’t complaining; the diversity is something you’re very pleased to see.

You tell the man at the front desk that you’re here as part of the blood bank event, and he begins to lead you to a table, removing any risk of you having been bamboozled. There’s a big table set up on the left by some windows facing the mountainside, where Alphys, Aaron, and some humans you don’t recognize are seated. Alphys notices you right away, and immediately wants you to feel welcome.

“Ah! There’s ____! Glad you could make it!” There’s only two open seats left, so you take the one facing away from the window, wanting the whole crowd to know you’re paying attention.

“Erm… I hope you like steak. Seems like that’s one of the only kinds of things on the menu.”

“Oh, yeah, it’ll be fine. The _stakes_ are low when the _steaks_ are high.” That manages to get the rest of the group laughing, so you’re glad they’re open to some punning for the night.

For a few minutes, Alphys and the rest of the volunteers ask where you’re from, what kind of work you do, and those sorts of questions. They also take the time to share what they do; one keeps track of when boxes of donations safely deliver to the center, another handles phone calls people have about donating, and Aaron makes sure everyone has all the snacks they need (with a **; )** to boot), among other things.

After a bit of time passes, though, you realize that it’s 7:59, and a guest hasn’t arrived yet. Alphys takes a glance at her watch, and notices the same thing.

“Hey, Sans hasn’t shown up yet.”

“Huh, yeah, that’s surprising. A good meal’s always up his alley.”

“Yeah, he always enjoys something nice and meaty ; )”

Alphys must be very used to that last part, because she makes no notice of it. The name gets you a little curious.

“Sans? Like the font?”

“Yes, exactly. Really thought he’d be here by now.”

“whaddya mean? i’m right here.”

Alphys jolts to her side a bit, noticing that this ‘Sans’ is suddenly… right next to her? You didn’t see anyone entering the place, and now he’s right here. The others, on the other hand, don’t seem phased at all.

“Hey, Sans!”

“Sup, Sans.”

“Glad you made it in one piece ; )”

Getting over the shock of seeing someone appear out of thin air, you take your first good look at Sans, and…

And…

He’s a skeleton? One that volunteers for a blood bank?

…

And your heart thinks he’s pretty darn cute??

He’s about a head shorter than you, with a big smile that doesn’t open when he talks. His figure’s that of… well, a skeleton, and one that’s sort of short and a little chubby. Sans’ bones seem a little thicker than that of a human, though, going by his hands. You’re not looking at a set of bare ribs, though; he’s wearing a white tee shirt, a light blue hoodie over it, and some black athletic shorts with a white stripe. You can’t see his feet from where you’re sitting, but you’re sure there’s something equally comforting over them.

You aren’t kidding about the cute thing, either. Sans is the first and only living skeleton you can recall seeing before, and your heart seems to be really liking something about what you’re seeing. Maybe it’s that smile. There’s something about it that looks like it makes anyone that shares a room with him happy and at ease. The way his hands are stuffed into his hoodie pockets is cute, too, and…

You have to stop and get ahold of yourself. You’ve seen Sans for a whole ten, maybe fifteen seconds, and have only heard one sentence from him. If you want to think about someone like that, they need to be someone you’ve gotten to know better.

Managing to regain most of your senses, Sans shakes the hand of everyone else at the table, before going to the only empty seat that’s left. Coincidentally enough, it’s the one that’s facing right across from you.

“so, alphys, this is the donator you were talkin’ about?”

“Yup! Their name’s ____. They’ve been kind to us already, I’m sure you two will get along well.”

“alrighty, then. good to meetcha, ____. i’m sans.” Sans sits down in his seat and holds his hand across the table for you to shake it. You’re impressed by how considerate he’s been to each person to the table in just a couple minutes, and reach your own hand out to shake it.

_Pffffffflllrrlrlrlrlrlrt._

“S-Sans, did you really do that to ____ already?”

“yup. consider it an initiation. welcome to the blood bank dinner, ____. try not to **withdrawal** too soon.” The rest of the table laughs, and you find yourself doing the same thing.

Talk about making a statement right off the bat. It’s… an equally adorable and baffling one. Not only did he seemingly break physics to give you a little prank right away, but he added a pun along with it! You really like puns, too!

“hope i didn’t give ya a heart attack with that. don’t think we’d be getting any more blood donations, if there’s no blood to be flowing.”

“Huh? Oh, right, right, the donations. Heh, yeah, you’d be way _in the red_ without me.”

It’s rare for you to find someone with as much of an enjoyment for puns as yourself, so you’re more than happy to take the chance to share some. Yours gets Sans laughing for the first time tonight, in this warm, hearty sound that his almost-New York accent makes. Putting the now deflated whoopee cushion into his pocket, Sans scooches closer, with only down to the bottom of his ribcage being visible above the table.

“So, Sans, what do you do for the blood bank?”

“ah, nothing big. i help sort papers at the headquarters. gotta make sure the hospitals don’t get a bunch of donut order receipts, or anything like that.”

“Pfff, don’t downplay that, it sounds like an important job.”

“It is!” Alphys heard from across the table, and seems to want to pipe in.

“____ is right, Sans, you’re helping get everything where it needs to be. If it wasn’t a big deal, you wouldn’t be here right now!”

“ah, alrighty, if ya say so.” He turns his attention back to you.

“so, i, uh, guess we’re gonna be facing each other a lot. may as well do this newfangled thing called ‘talking’.”

“Pfff, good idea. Hmmm…” You’re not exactly what to ask first, when the other person’s a skeleton that suddenly appeared out of thin air, and already pranked you with a whoopee cushion.

“Do you, erm… have any big hobbies, Sans?”

“’dogging.”

“’Dogging?”

“yup. i sell hot-dogs every now and then downtown. guess i’m supporting a rival by eating here, but it’s the best way to see how **juicy** the competition is.” The puns seem like they’ll be a part of regular conversation, and you’ve got no problem with that at all.

“fellas, can i get a vote on if i make a mean ‘dog?” Everyone else at the table says yes immediately; even Dr. Doggo, despite that being a sudden _movement_ to vote.

“I’ll have to get one myself, someday. A table full of doctors can’t be wrong.” Sans chuckles again, and you’re about to share your own hobbies, when the waitress suddenly comes by to take everyone’s orders. Most of the table goes first, until it’s your turn.

“Hmmm… I’ll have the porterhouse, please.”

“hey, that’s what i was thinking of. great tongues think alike.” Given how Sans’ mouth hasn’t opened once yet, you’re wondering if he even has a tongue, let alone how he eats. He orders it medium-rare, so you appreciate him not wanting his steak turned into a brick, as the waitress takes the menus from everyone.

With the menus gone, the chatter at the table resumes, and you start to bring up your own hobbies with Sans. Despite his joking demeanor, he pays attention to everything you cover, as well as giving his own input for how cool each thing is. After a bit, though, he takes a pause.

“hang on one sec. all this chatter’s gettin’ my mouth dry.” You’re not sure what makes a skeleton’s mouth more dry than usual, but decide not to ask, in case he gets that a lot. Sans reaches into his left hoodie pocket to get something, and you’re expecting it to be a bottle of water, but to your surprise, it’s a little bottle of ketchup.

“this’ll do the trick.” Opening the plastic cap, he sets the bottle on his teeth and starts drinking from it. Somehow, it all passes through the spaces between his teeth without a single drop going haywire, and he gulps it all down, despite not having a throat. Magic’s a wonderful thing.

“there we go. does the trick a heck of a lot better than water. you should try it sometime.”

“That’s… not a bad idea. I put it on enough stuff as is, it _probably_ tastes good on its own.”

“ayy, ya like ketchup, too?”

“Of course I do. Tomato goodness goes great on whatever I wanna put it on.”

“alright, guess we’re friends now. i’d hafta _ketchup_ on what the friend contract says, but liking the same condiment seems good enough to me.”

“Pfff, I’m cool with that. I’d be a real mus _turd_ if I said no.” You share a laugh, feeling any lasting nerve you had about dinner slip away. Sans must bring a lot of vibrancy to the blood bank.

“Have ya ever thought about getting into comedy? You’ve got me by the… well, you don’t have palms, but you get what I mean, and we’ve only known each other for, like, twenty minutes.”

“oh, i think about it a lot.”

“You do?”

“yup. ‘cause it’s one-a my side jobs. it’d be pretty bad if i didn’t think about it.”

“That’s great! I’m sure you do a fantastic job at it.”

“heh, thanks. i’m not one to pound my ribs over anything, but i do my best. there’s this one pub i stick to a lot, but maybe i can get something happening here. people can enjoy their meat and watch the least meatiest person in the world spit out jokes.”

“Heh, well, if they don’t like not having bones to play with in their steak, you’ve got ‘em all covered.” It times out well, because the waitress returns with a huge platter of sizzling entrees. Despite being… well, a dog, Doggo ordered the fanciest one of the whole table. Eventually, she gets to you and Sans.

“ayy, thanks. this looks fantastic.” His kind manners get your smile even bigger, as you’re handed your own steak afterwards. Sans and yourself might’ve ordered the same kind, but how you prep it goes entirely different; you spread a light Montreal seasoning over yours, while Sans takes the ketchup bottle from earlier and gives a hearty squirt over the top. You don’t mean to stare, but he catches you looking.

“i know, i know, this usually ruins a steak and all, but it’s sweet, and makes my bones happy.”

“Oh, I wasn’t judging, eat your steak however you want. Judging what a human wants to eat is never good, let alone a monster. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Geez. That demeanor of his is already getting you to make plenty of compliments.

“heh, thanks. there’s one steakhouse that did judge. coulda gotten mad, but the best way to make ‘em quiet is to not give ‘em any dough.” Bothered that anyone would get weird at your new pal for how he wants to eat, you ask him which place it was, and after he shares, you make a mental note to not bother going there again.

“anyhoo, if i ramble much longer, your steak’s gonna get cold.” Sans cuts a piece of his own steak, and holds his fork up in the air, like he’s giving a toast.

“to healthy blood.” Appreciating how blunt that was, you cut your own piece and say the same thing.

“To healthy blood.” You chow down on your first piece, and it’s immediately one of the best steaks you’ve had in a while, with plenty of juice and tenderness. This place definitely deserves the crowd it’s already got. Sans takes his own first bite as well, and to do so, he simply slaps the bite of meat over his teeth. Something makes it pull between the splits the same way his ketchup did, not leaving a speck over his mouth. The restaurant’s too loud to make out any chewing sounds, but you remind yourself to not think into how he eats too deeply; this isn’t some interrogation. The important thing is that going by his smile, he really likes what he’s having.

“hey, it’s our first meal together as buds. worth a fist pump.”

“Darn right, it is.” Setting your fork down, you give one to Sans, feeling the coolness of his fingers. It’s not something you noticed during the handshake, with how distracting the whoopee cushion was, but there’s something sort of calming about it.

Your conversation with Sans gets a lot quieter, as you each immerse yourselves in how fantastic the steaks are. Watching more of his bites is tempting, with how curious you now are for how a living skeleton goes about their daily doings, but you’re able to stop yourself. It’s only when you’re halfway through the steak that you realized you forgot to talk to much of the rest of the group after Sans arrived. They all seem happy with the talks they’re having, though, and Aaron is still taking opportunities to flex at anyone that looks remotely near him, so nothing seems wrong.

It doesn’t take long for everyone to be finished up. You make sure to thank Alphys for all this, while she’s busy pulling out a company card, and she assures you it’s no big deal.

“Again, thank **you**! You’re helping make our work go a lot easier.”

“If only you could’ve seen Undyne here, ____, there would’ve been plenty of romance tonight ; )”

Alphys stares at Aaron, unable to hold back a blush from what he said. This ‘Undyne’ must be someone that means a lot to her. You’d ask what he means, but you don’t want to interrupt while she’s paying the bill, so you turn your attention back to Sans instead.

“well, that was fun.”

“Heck yeah, it was. I got a tasty steak out of having a needle in me for ten minutes, and met another pun enthusiast along with it. You’ve got a ribeye socket for good steak tastes.”

“heh, you, too. we sure feel pretty full-et mignon.” Laughing together again, Sans looks down at the few bits that’re left on his plate, before his expression lights up.

“hey, i’ve got an idea. ya got anything goin’ on next weekend?”

“Don’t think so, why?”

“that’s when i help get the papers where they need to be at the headquarters. we’ve got a lot comin’ in this week, so if you’d wanna come volunteer, it’d help out a lot. it’s not boring, they play music and give us muffins.”

If anyone else was asking, you’d wonder if getting a meal beforehand was some way to maneuver you into saying yes to volunteering. You’re not getting any of that from Sans, though. There’s some extra excitement in his smile that you’d been seeing grow since you started talking, and it tells you how much he’d enjoy some more new friend company. There’s nothing in your mind that doesn’t want that, either.

“Totally. It’s a cause I already support, and I can’t turn down a good muffin.”

“oh, you’re not gonna be disappointed. everyone there would **bleed** to get one.” He says that while you’re standing up from your seat, and it almost sends you right back into it from the laughter. Alphys perks up again, stopping the punning from going longer.

“Thank you all for being here! Blood bus volunteers, see if you can be there on Monday. Another day, another… another…”

She doesn’t know how to finish. ‘Dollar’ isn’t exactly right for a non-profit.

“donation.”

“…Yes. Another day, another donation. I think you just gave us a new slogan, Sans.”

“my pleasure.” Stepping around the table, you’re about to head out, when Sans realizes something.

“oh, whoops. i better share my number, and the address of the hq. it’d be pretty bad if i didn’t voluntell you where to go.” You tell him your number, and he works on sending a text your way. A moment later, you feel a buzz in your pocket, so you pull you phone out to see if it’s him.

**“welcome to sans messaging. fibia and tibia rates apply.”**

The address is listed under that. Having the info is getting you excited to check the place out already. Together, you walk to the front doors, and in true double door fashion, you open the first door for him, and he opens the second one. The air’s gotten a little cooler since you came in, but it’s still a comfortable night with a clear sky.

“alrighty. i’ll see ya next week, ____.”

“You got it, Sans.” Before you turn to head to your car, though, Sans does something that catches you a bit by surprise, but in a completely good way. Reaching up, he gives a little pat on the back of your shoulder. The adorable part of it is with him being a little shorter than you, he has to reach his arm up to do it. Before you can thank him for how kind that was, he’s disappeared into the air again.

In just an hour or so, you’ve met a living skeleton for the first time, became his friend, thought he looks cute, and got a shoulder pat from him. If that’s not a complete night, you’re not sure what is.


	2. Muffins Don't Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a great steak dinner with Sans at the blood bank event, you were invited to come help him volunteer at the headquarters next week. It'll be a nice chance to see your new bud again for a while, and the texts he sends through the week sure keep you excited. That smile of his sure doesn't stop you from thinking about him, either...

**Chapter 2 - Muffins Don't Walk**

Throughout the rest of the week, you continue to get to know Sans better. You’re glad the two of you decided to exchange numbers; his sense of humor does a lot to perk you up before work each day. Just under a week ago, you didn’t think puns about toilet paper would be something that could get you flying through a shift, but he’s been able to ‘ **wipe** away any boredom’, as he put it.

Your plan to help him out at the blood bank center doesn’t leave your mind at all, either. Others might think it’s a monotonous way to spend a day, but with how much fun your new bud is, getting to learn more about him in person, along with helping make good things happen for the local hospitals, sounds like a great afternoon. Neither of you have been shy about bringing it up a lot over your messages.

**“Looking forward to Saturday?”**

**“you betcha. i a-ssume that we’ll b-ring a good time to the group o-ut there. you’re positive about that too, right? you don’t seem negative, bud.”**

**“Nah, I’ll let plenty of _oxygen_ out for this. I’m glad to _donate_ my time to help out.”**

Jokes around that top-tier caliber go on throughout the week. It makes getting up on Saturday a lot easier than usual, but Sans not wanting to start his shifts until one in the afternoon helps with that, too. You’re always glad to meet a fellow night owl.

In an elaborate way to get back at him for his blood name joke earlier in the week, you’d bought a box of alphabet cereal for just the occasion. Once you’ve poured it and gotten the milk in, you shoot a picture Sans’ way, but not without a caption to boot.

 **“Ready for our work today, Sans? There’ll be a lot of info for us to spell out, but I believe in us.”** It takes a moment, but he gets back to you.

**“heheh, yup. it’ll be easy as a, b, o… the rest are fake.”**

Perfect. He’s as sharp with his joke game today as he was last week. With a bunch of letters now floating around in your stomach, you head out to the car, plug the address into your phone’s GPS, and start driving. It’s a nice enough Saturday, now in late August, for you to roll the windows down and take a refreshing breeze in. Sans said they have coffee there that costs no cof-fee, but if the air can help get you going, you’ll take it.

The drive’s easy enough, and you arrive at the headquarters’ parking lot in less than half an hour. You didn’t think Sans would give you some completely wrong address, anyway. Stepping out of the car, locking it, and making a big stretch in case you’ll be sitting down for a while, you make your walk into the building, ready for a sanstastic time.

Immediately, you can tell that the work they’re doing here is no joke. Just past the lobby in front, there’s a huge meeting room where tables have been hastily set up to organize all of the info that’s coming in. Most of them are either volunteers or paid health professionals, humans and monsters alike, wearing gloves and scanning the codes on donation bags to get the information into their database. Their system says where each donation should go, and they then place them in various boxes that will be sent to the hospitals and research centers soon. Blood doesn’t last forever before it’s unfit to be used for experiments, so you can tell that no one’s _drop_ ping back on their responsibilities.

You’d let Dr. Alphys know that you’ve arrived to help, but she’s off at a volunteer’s desk, helping them examine a sample that’s needing a better look. It’s very admirable that she can go from her open, discussion-filled demeanor like at dinner to the level of focus and attention that she puts on her work here. Making sure to not get too close to anyone’s work, you keep walking until you get closer to the back of the room, where there’s no blood donations, but many heaps of forms and other papers instead. A warm shade of blue towards the left catches the corner of your eye when you get there, and turning your head, you immediately see why.

Sans is sitting at a small desk of his own, with lots of manila folders to his left and right. He looks over the document he’s currently reading, chuckles a bit from something he must’ve read on it, and sets it back in the folder before placing it on a corresponding pile. There’s a bottle of ketchup sitting near him, so you figure that’s a skeleton’s equivalent of water… well, it is for this skeleton.

Before he can get to another one, though, he looks to his left and spots you.

“oh, hey, ____. glad the drive did a good job being a drive.”

“Pfff, hey, Sans. It sure was a drive. I’d give it a drive out of ten.”

“ya sure it wasn’t a drive-point-five? it’s a real nice day out.”

“Hmmm… could we agree on a drive-point-three?”

“good enough for me. here, come take a seat.” You notice that he was thoughtful enough to make sure to secure an extra chair for you. It’s got some hearty cushion on the bottom and back, so you’re glad you won’t be sitting on a slab of steel for hours. Before taking your seat, though, you give the chair an extra good look, knowing what Sans was able to do for your handshake last week.

“whatcha looking for? did someone leave a blood bag there? that’d leave our work in the **red**.”

“Heh, no, I just remember what you did with the whoopee cushion.”

“ya think i’d leave one there? that’s pretty far-fetched, bud. i don’t think they’d let someone that messes with those work somewhere as super serious as a donation hq.”

“Yeesh, yeah, I shudder to think what would happen if they did.” Each of you unable to hold a smirk back, you sit down, with no fart noises involved. Scooching in towards the papers, you crack your fingers, ready for some _intense_ paper sorting.

“So, what do ya want me to do?”

“it’s pretty easy stuff. you’ll pull one-a those mail folders over there, read through to see what it’s about, and put it in the right labeled box over here. blood listings go to the right hospitals, donut bills go to the donut place, furniture bills go to the dump, and so on.”

“Got it- wait, what?”

“heh, don’t worry, your chair ain’t actually from the dump. i was just checkin’ to see if you were paying attention, and you passed.”

“Phew. Is that it for the quiz? I wanna keep my A+.” You and Sans have the same sort of way of rolling with a joke.

“yuppers. i’ll make sure the report card says you’re a great student, ____. anyhoo, that’s all there really is to it. lemme know if anything’s too vague. i can lend a hand, without all the flesh in the way. any questions?”

“Nope, thanks. Thanks again for inviting me, real glad to have a chance to help, aside from just getting blood pumped out of me once every two months.”

“no problemo. we can use all the help we can get, and you’ve been good company, both in person, and on our pocket internets.”

“Awww, you have, too. Wanted to tell you in person that your joke library’s made work a lot easier.”

“my pleasure. there’s plenty more for me to **extract**.”

If he’s gonna make donation jokes the whole day, you’re sure you’re gonna have an excellent time ahead. Grabbing the top folder from the nearest stack, you’re about to get started, when Sans notices something.

“oh, ____, ya never grabbed your muffin. i can’t let ya work on an empty stomach.”

“Aw, you’re alright with me taking one from the group? I already had breakfast.”

“yeah, you can totally have one. you’re just as much a part of the effort today as the rest of us. here, i’ll go grab it for ya. you can take in the ambience of this beautiful building.” In reality, the plain white and grey walls and ceiling are pretty simple. You can make the inference that what’s going on inside of it is beautiful, at least.

“got a flavor you’d like most?”

“Hmmm… do you have chocolate?”

“sure do, and that’s a great choice. they’re to bleed for.” If Sans were to stay at his seat, you’d probably go into an all-out pun-off, so he gets up and makes his way to the catering table to get some stuff for you. In case watching you sort your first folder would be a ‘special moment’, you don’t do any work while he’s gone, and rather follow what he said and take in the sights around you.

As you look around, though, you can’t help but notice you’re getting a whiff of something… strange. It’s like the smell of blood is sort of hovering around the desks. It’s not a total surprise, given how many packs of the stuff are in the big room, but you’re surprised there aren’t more air fresheners around, or something of the sort.

You don’t want to make Sans uneasy if he sees you drifted off in thought about this, though, so you snap out of it and focus on his desk space instead. You’re in a blood center, it’s gonna smell like blood. That makes sense. Everyone else is used to it, and you’ll quickly get used to it, too.

There’s a couple little picture frames sitting in the back, both of people you’d seen pics of already from Sans. One is a taller skeleton, who you’ve learned is his younger brother, Papyrus. He’s the mascot of monsterkind, but ‘THE GREAT PAPYRUS’ is what he’d rather hear people call him over his work title. According to Sans, he’s gotten better recently about accepting just ‘PAPYRUS’, too. To the right of that picture, there’s a rock on a table with some sprinkles over it. They’re Sans’ pet rock, aptly named Rocko, and you’ve heard plenty of stories about what sprinkle flavors they like the most. Maybe someday, you’ll get the chance to see them… do rock things in person. Before you can think any more about sentient rocks, though, you see Sans returning towards you, with a tasty looking chocolate muffin, and some napkins. Smart.

“here ya go, bud. i’m sure you’ll enjoy, but i recommend havin’ it now, before you get started on this stuff. we’d be in a real **crummy** spot otherwise.”

“Heh, good idea. I can watch the master do his intense paper organizing, anyway, so I can learn how.”

“well, if you **insist** i’m the master, then i’ll train ya the best i can, apprentice.” He sort of looks to the side and perks up his smile a bit higher with that, and…

Oh, geez. Just like last week, it’s got your brain thinking how cute of a mug your new friend has. Not enough people in life really enjoy the simple things, and seeing the happy smile he’s got right now over a muffin and some jokes is really warming. Something in your gut feels really honored to be the one earning all of that company today.

“____. hey, ____. your muffin’s growing legs, it’s trying to get outta here.”

“…Huh? Oh, uh oh, it is?”

“heh, just kiddin’. that was the sleep test. you’ve passed yet another one.”

“Well, I’ve gotta keep that report card strong.” Sans reaches over your arms and pulls a folder from the pile, as you take your first bite into the muffin that he’s handed you.

One’s all you need to know he was being completely honest about the taste. It’s got a rich, almost dark flavor to it, which immediately gets you biting for more. As good as the taste is, though, you make sure to not let it fully distract you from Sans’ work, so you pay close attention to the clearly immensely intense reading he has to do. To give you an idea of what he looks for, he silently traces his finger under the words he’s looking under, figures out where it should go, and sets it on the corresponding stack. You’re able to quickly pick up patterns on where the most important parts usually are, which should make it easier to do yourself. Feeling ready and wanting to lend a good hand, you gobble down the rest of the muffin, being cautious to not make a mess all over Sans’ space.

“didja like it?”

“Oh, definitely. I’m ready to choc up a huge amount of finished folders.”

“there’s the spirit.” You pull the first one you can reach from the messy unread pile, pop it open, and glance over the same sections you saw Sans looking over earlier. It doesn’t take long for you to make out that it’s meant for the hospital that’s about fifteen miles north of here, so you make sure to match it to the right stack on the right, which is a lot cleaner than the left. It was a really simple ten seconds or so for you to do that.

“there ya go, buddy. your first folder.”

“Thanks, but it doesn’t really feel like I did much.”

“’course ya did. that one little folder means a hospital can know its blood request was granted. you just help make a bunch of your fellow blood-wielders happy.”

“Heh, thanks. It does feel bigger, now that you say that.” There’s a radio quietly playing some music over the intercom, and for most of the time you’ve been here, the chatter’s done a good job covering it up. The next song that plays, though, catches Sans’ attention, as well as your own.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P160_odTwyY>

“heh, see? even the speaker agrees.”

“How so?”

“all the songs it coulda chosen, and it’s the chain. we’re the chain that’s gettin’ these folders where they need to go.”

“Ooooh, good point. It’s a really long chain, come to think of it. A whole six, maybe seven feet between the ends of this desk?”

“yuppers. the longest chain i’ve ever seen. seeing a longer chain would be such a pain that i don’t think i could sustain. i’d go insane, and be the bane of any gains this place could contain. does your brain follow?” There’s no way you’re listening to that level of effort and not providing your own.

“I totally get you. If too many chains were linked, my feelings would sink. I’d be on the brink of being angered pink. Not even a hockey rink’s seen such a fuming load of stink before. Hopefully, no one’ll be a dink and let that happen.”

“heck, ____. you’re provin’ yourself to be a closer bud each day.”

“Awww, I am? It’s only been a week now.”

“that doesn’t matter. When you meet a fellow rhyme-rallier like that, it means a lot.”

“Well, it sure means a lot to me, too. We better get back to these folders, though. I don’t want the extra pair of hands I’m giving to end up making things _slower_.”

“good point. joke-trading’s always a good time, but i don’t wanna disappoint my bosses. folder time.” Unable to take the song from the intercom seriously anymore, you grab another folder, and Sans does the same. You quickly scan over the contents, and lo and behold, they happen to be from the same food company. Yours is for the muffins, and Sans is for all the orange juice that got ordered from the same place. Together, you set them onto the same food stack, then have a high-five to celebrate _munching_ those two down.

You and Sans hit a rhythm pretty quickly, and, to Sans’ delight, you’re working just as fast as he was, if not faster. Together, you make several more student and master jokes, as you gradually dwindle down the incomplete stacks. The longer you work, the longer you grow accustomed to the chatter that’s around; most people seem to be working in pairs, so you feel really privileged that Sans wanted you to be the one that’s doing this with him.

That faint smell in blood in the air isn’t something your nose really gets used to, but it is your first time here. If you volunteer again, maybe you’ll grow more a-ccust-o-med to it, as you tell Sans.

“that was some ab-solutely b-rilliant wordplay, pal.” Unfortunately, you already used up all the blood letters, but it was fun while it lasted.

There’s one thing that happens during the work, though, that pulls your attention away from everything else in the room. At one point, you and Sans finish your folders at the same time, and reach for another. Turns out, you both had the same stack in mind, and your hand gets there a little closer, so Sans accidentally rests his over yours to try to grab it.

The sight of your hands together freezes you both up a bit. You turn to look at Sans, and the two of you share a bit of a nervous laugh.

“heh, didn’t know ya’d take to me that kindly already. we’ve done two whole things together.” You know he’s joking, but a little voice in the back of your mind doesn’t want it to be. You’re not sure what to really think of that.

“…Heheh, guess something about sorting papers got my _blood boiling_ with excitement.” Since you got to it first, Sans declares you the victor and raises his hand for you to take the folder. Regaining focus, you pull it towards you and get back to work, but your brain keeps thinking about that little moment you shared. You’re not sure why it’s going on a romantic tangent for someone you just met a week ago, but trying to suppress that is proving to be… well, difficult.

The hours tick on in the room, the folder-moving and joke-trading between you two keeps going, and the little smell of blood remains. Every once in a while, Sans takes a decent chug of his ketchup, the same way you’d drink a bottle of water. You really hope no one judges him for it; each sip seems to do a great job at being refreshing, so if it makes him happy, that’s what matters. Maybe one day, you should bring your own, in case being the only one that drinks it is ever a bummer to him.

It sure doesn’t feel like it’s been this long already, but soon, the clock hits seven, which means closing time for volunteers. You and Sans look over the finished stacks, which are way higher than they were when you arrived. Looks like a solid day of work finished.

“welp, doubt they want us working all night. the blood gremlins need their time to roam around.”

“Yeah- wait, what?”

“yeah, the blood gremlins. they meet in places full of blood and have blood debates about blood things. you’ve never heard of them?”

“Can’t say I have, but now I’ll have something new to look up later.” Standing up from your seats, you each take a big stretch, despite Sans not having any muscles that could get cramped up. Maybe it still feels good on his bones.

“If you still want the extra pair of fleshy hands next weekend, I’ll gladly come by again.”

“sure thing, buddo. we’ll never not need the extra help, and having a new bud like you here only makes my job easier.”

“Dawwww, it does?”

“yuppers. in fact, i’ve got an idea for another thing-o mine you could make even better. don’t worry, it doesn’t involve any volunteering.”

“Heh, thanks for not voluntelling me I have do to something.”

“nah, it’s not like that. i wanna take my h’dog selling downtown soon. if ya don’t have anything going on tuesday evening, you can come watch me do my thing. thrilling stuff, i know.”

“I’d love that!” He almost seems surprised by your sudden enthusiasm, but smiles brighter when he sees how happy the idea’s gotten you.

“great, that settles it, then. my first time sellin’ them there, so having a bud around should get the nerve-endings feeling alright.”

“You have nerve endings?”

“nope, but it’d still get on my nerves if someone said ketchup on a ‘dog is bad.”

“Oh, I’m with you there. No one should be given harshness for what they like to eat. It all just gets boiled up in our- well, in human stomachs, anyway.”

“glad ya agree. i’ve heard what some humans think about ketchup on a ‘dog. i’ll make sure to keep the bottle close to me, so they don’t try to give a squirt over my face for it.”

“I’ll be your first defense if anyone tries something like that. You deserve a nice, calm evening of hot-dog selling.” You haven’t known Sans all that long, and yet you can’t stand the thought of anything happening to him that could mess with his day. The warmness of that smile of his works wonders.

“Guess this is how the routine goes, Sans. I do something with you, and when I’m about to leave, I wind up finding out about some new interest. Am I gonna hear after ‘dogs on Tuesday that you’re a billiards enthusiast, too?”

“not yet, but maybe someday. we don’t only hafta do stuff we plan in person, though. if you ever wanna come watch me ‘dogging, doing comedy, or any other thing, shoot me a text. i’ll gladly have another pal wherever.”

“Awwww, you would?”

“yuppers.”

“S-Same here. I don’t have a _skele-ton_ going on right now outside of my work, but if you ever wanna come join me on, like… a walk, or something, I’m totally down.”

“great. i’m totally up.”

“Hooray for both of those meaning the same thing.”

“hooray, indeed.” Packing most of the personal things at his desk into his bag, Sans grabs it, rolls his shoulders, and takes a deep breath.

“we’ll ketchup soon, bud. i’m only a text from our pocket internets away.”

“Same here. I’ll virtually see ya soon, Sans.”

“see ya, ____.” One moment, Sans is there, and the next, he isn’t. You feel honored to get to see monster magic play out in the flesh… and, well, the lack of it. That’s one you’ll have to remember for him next time.

Turning around, you realize that almost all of the volunteers have left, so aside from the night workers, it’s getting pretty quiet. Feeling a bit of an extra strut to your step, you make your way out of the building. You’d thank Alphys for letting you help out, but it looks like she either left, or is missing in action somewhere. You make a mental note to take a rain check on it and give extra thanks next time, as you leave the room and the building, taking in a shot of cooler evening breeze.

What a fantastic pal you’ve already been making. It’ll be nice getting to see him somewhere the scent of blood won’t be around.


	3. Gyros Can't Gyrate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You had a great time helping out at the blood bank HQ with Sans! Aside from the smell of blood sort of hovering around the room, it was a day well spent. He's invited you to see both his hot-dog selling and comedy this week, which are things you're sure you'll plenty enjoy, and as time goes on, you look at other ways the two of you can *ketchup*.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy October 13th! An extra spooky day to put a chapter up.

**Chapter 3 – Gyros Can’t Gyrate**

Your trip to see Sans sell his hot dogs downtown is nothing short of a good time. From the get-go, he gets your energy going with quite the surprise; you were given the address of where in town he wants to start ‘dogging, but when you get there a few minutes ahead of time, he’s nowhere to be seen. For a moment, you’re wondering if something suddenly came up, when a voice suddenly comes behind you.

“hey.”

Twisting around, you see that Sans pulled the same appearing thing he did at the steakhouse. You’re not sure how many times it’s gonna take for you to get used to that.

“W-Well, hello there, ‘dogging dude.”

“thanks for comin’ by to check out the buns, bud. ya ready to relish in some big business?”

“Totally. I’d _run through the garden_ to make sure I wouldn’t miss out.” You studied up more hot-dog puns to get ready for this, which you’re sure Sans will appreciate.

Somehow, he was able to fit everything but the grill and the food itself in the string bag over his shoulders. You lend your ‘pair of fleshy hands’ again to help him set it up, before he zips away again to get the grill. For a moment, it probably looks like you’re the one owning the stand, so you do your best to pretend to look away from it. You don’t need anyone coming by and asking for a ‘dog, only to not have any ‘dogs to provide. A minute later, Sans returns, with a heavy-looking grill in his arms.

“Woah, for someone that doesn’t have an ounce of muscle, you’re pretty strong.”

“heh… *phew*… thanks. don’t think anyone’s gonna want raw meat, so i gotta lift this thing.” He sets it down on the sidewalk with a resounding thud, when you realize that there’s no gas, or anything else for that matter, powering it. Chalking it up to monster magic, you decide not to ask. Reaching into his bag again, Sans pulls out his own ketchup bottle and takes another brief chug, brightening up his energy again. You’re glad that he’s thoughtful enough to use his own bottle for drink time.

For the rest of the evening, you watch your new pal get straight to work, as well as chatter with him whenever a break comes up. He doesn’t seem to use any sort of special magic to make his hot-dogs extra special, but each time someone steps up and asks for a bite from the impromptu stand, he gives them a bright smile and a joke or two, before handing the h’dog off. It’s a busy street, with plenty of commercial centers around, so he racks in some big lines from the bustling crowd.

Apparently, spending all that time with Sans at the blood bank burned the smell of blood into your nose, because you pick it up every now and then here, too. It was fairly strong there, so it might be a memory that’s hard to shake off. You don’t let it get in the way of your enjoyment, though; Sans is having too much fun with bun puns and the like for you to let yourself do that.

Once it’s too dark to sell more ‘dogs, Sans closes up shop for the night, thanks you for tagging along and keeping him company, and shares the location of the pub in town where he’s gonna be doing comedy on Friday. You make sure to get there after work that day, and are treated to one of the funniest nights you’ve ever had. When he’s on a stage with a microphone, Sans can go on, and on, and on with his fantastic way of words, and it gets you “lapsing from laughter”, as he calls it, when you nearly fall off your seat.

Over the coming weeks, you keep spending more and more time with Sans, whether it be in person, over a phone call, or playing a game together. Helping out at the blood bank HQ becomes a regular part of your routine, as Sans makes sure to not miss a single weekend. You get to know more about his life and jobs while in the Underground, what he’s hoping to see for monster society here on the surface, and more about how fantastic his brother is. He’s been away for a while now, doing international work as the mascot of monsters, but you both hope you can get to see him sometime soonish.

Eventually, late September approaches, and you’ve known Sans for roughly a month and a half now. Being with him has become a regular part of your weekends, as well as fun surprises whenever the chance comes up during weekdays. You’re not complaining one bit; all the time with the skeleton’s been greatly enjoyed.

A Sunday afternoon comes along, and you’re sitting around your apartment, without a plan for the rest of the day in mind. You’re about to consider half-heartedly playing a game to pass the time until your work together, when you feel a vibration on your desk. Some strange, internal energy gets you rushing over to the phone very quickly, where, to your excitement, you see that Sans sent you a text.

**“heya, ____. got anything making your sunday a sunny day?”**

**“Absolutely nothing. You?”**

**“that’s actually why i’m texting ya. didja hear about the food truck event downtown tonight?”**

**“I… somehow didn’t. Huh.”**

**“glad the resident food junkie could tell ya, then.”** Even over texts, he gets you laughing, and by the time it slows down, he’s send another message.

**“they’re all lining up by the river tonight, and there’s gonna be foods from all over the world. starts at seven. wanna come with?”**

Your mind screams ‘DATE’ for a moment, before you catch yourself. Sans is simply inviting a friend to something neat going on, that doesn’t inherently make it a date. That thought doesn’t keep you from definitely wanting to say yes, though.

**“Sure thing! It’ll sure beat the frozen dinner I was probably gonna have.”**

**“yeah, that wouldn’t be the freshest way to go about your eating.”** You can almost see the side glance Sans does in that text. He sends you the address of where you’ll meet up, leaving you far more excited than you were five minutes ago. Another excuse to spend time with your pal sure meets your _palate_.

* * *

Arriving at the busy walkway by the river, you’re immediately baffled that you never heard about this event going on. Sans was right about this being a busy day; the trucks and stands go on and on across the strip, filling the usually quieter area with plenty of noise. With the time approaching seven, the sky’s starting to get darker, as you enjoy the sight of the cityscape starting to light up.

There’s no sight of Sans around, though, despite your watch reading 6:59, but you’re not too concerned. Your pal has his habit of dropping in right on time, and this time, you don’t think you’ll be as spooked as before. Surely enough, the second your watch switches to seven, he suddenly appears in front of you. He misjudged which direction he should face, though, because all you’ve got is a good look at the back of his skull.

“uh, oh. ____? are ya hiding from me?”

“Yes, I’m totally hiding from you. Who knows if you’ll ever find me.” In an intense search to ‘find’ you, Sans turns around to see you in about three seconds.

“Darn. That adventure ended quick.”

“heh, at least it had a happy ending. thanks for making it, i’m glad we got a clear night for this. getting used to having to deal with weather patterns.”

“Ah, yeah, they can be annoying sometime, but we all deal. Ready to start looking around?”

“you bet.” Side by side, you and Sans begin to make your way down the paved trail. The coolness of the air, as well as your closeness to the water, make it a chilly evening, but that doesn’t bother you one bit. With the setting sun shining bright light over the city, and the happy chatter you see and hear around from humans and monsters alike, everything looks like it’s the way it should be.

The food trucks provide a good dose of eye candy, too. It looks like kinds of food from all over the world are being represented, some of which are kinds you’ve never seen before. From the hustle and bustle, as well as the constant sound of sizzling, you can tell that they’re all working very hard to get as much attention and business as possible. Taking a big whiff of the mix of smells, you can feel your smile perk up instantly. Sans was very kind to invite you to tag along with him for this.

“Mmmmm… any ideas for what you wanna get, Sans?” You don’t hear a reply through the chatter, but when you look to your right, you can see why. Sans had pulled his bottle of ketchup from his hoodie pockets, and is helping himself to a hearty gulp. Making a swallowing noise, despite having no sort of throat to swallow with, he looks back at you.

“sorry, bud. i promise that won’t make me lose my appetite.”

“Phew. This sounds like something that’s really been on your tomato-do list.” You share a laugh that’s loud enough to hear over the rest of the noise, helping you feel good about how much he liked that one.

“hmmm… howzabout the greek truck? i’ve been wanting to try a gyro for a long while.”

“Ooooooh, good idea. They’re really good, I think you’ll be a fan.” Working your way through the crowd, you and Sans make it to the Greek line. There’s a whole mix of people in line, between a huge deer with things hanging on their horns, humans, and a floating fox(?) head that seems to be asking itself questions over and over. You do your best to not lose track of where the line is.

“Hey, Sans?”

“yeah?”

“Do you know anywhere away from all this we could sit, once we get our food? The crowd’s nice, but I don’t wanna get tzatziki sauce on anyone.”

“good point, i wouldn’t want zat to happen, either. there’s some benches by the river we can get to after this, as long as they haven’t all been snagged.” Agreeing to his plan, you continue to wait in the line, which is kept moving pretty quickly. Eventually, when it’s your turn, you and Sans ask for the same, traditional gyro, with everything on it. The woman behind the little cash register has a thick accent that takes a bit of time to process, but you figure it out soon enough, and hand over the money for yours. Sans does the same for his, and just a minute later, you’re each being handed a sizzling hot gyro.

“Thanks!”

“thanks for the gyro, yo.” Since you don’t have Sans’ ability to keep any extra sauce off his face, you grab a handful of napkins, before taking off with him again through the crowd. Soon enough, you’re able to find an opening between some of the trucks to get out of the pack, making your ears feel a lot less full.

“See anything?” Sans looks around a bit, before pointing at one fairly straight ahead.

“there’s one. as long as there’s no one, like, six inches tall on it, we should be good to go.” It sounds like a joke, but with how you’ve gotten to know monsters over the past few months, it’s not entirely out of the question. Keeping a cautious grip on the foil around your gyro, you walk with him to the bench, and fortunately, no tiny monsters are there. You sit down with a bit of a thud, as your knees apparently started feeling it a bit, from all that walking. Sans comes down about as hard to your right… accidentally sitting fairly close to you.

…Well, was it an accident? He looks pretty happy… no, it’s got to be an accident, you tell yourself. Sans wouldn’t intentionally sit just hug length away. He’ll move over eventually.

…He doesn’t, though. Maybe he’s too distracted by unwrapping his gyro, but he stays just about two feet apart from you. You can’t think of anything to say about it that wouldn’t be incredibly awkward, so you go with it.

“open yours up, too, ____. i might be able to show up outta thin air, but i don’t have any microwave powers.”

“Huh? Oh, right, the gyro. Heh, you’re right, I should get started on it.” You peel back enough of the foil to have a big bite ahead. You can tell from the sizzling meat, as well as the fresh veggies and sauce, that no corners were cut for making this.

“to food festivals.” Sans holds his gyro up, the same way he held his bite of steak the first time you met him, apparently wanting to do a toast with it.

“Heck yeah, to food festivals!” You carefully tap your gyros together, making sure to not spill anything out that’s inside them, before chomping down on your first bite. There’s not a moment of regret for choosing the Greek truck; this is so, so savory. The pita bread accompanies everything inside it so well, and that sauce does the trick for giving it _just_ the right amount of sweetness.

There’s not really any chatter between you and Sans for a bit, as he seems just as focused on his gyro as you are on your own. Bites of it sort of pull off on their own to enter his mouth, and, as always, nothing misses. He enjoys the sight of the sun glistening over the water of the river as well; the Underground was sure full of its own beauty, and had its own bodies of water, but never something as bright as the sun to shine over it. You’re really glad he and the rest of monsterkind can finally enjoy this.

“real lucky that mt. ebott isn’t near some boring city. i’m honored to get to feast my eye sockets on stuff this nice.” You’re about to say something back to him, but you’re cut off by the sound of him opening his ketchup bottle again. You never thought to order a drink with the food, so perhaps he needs one to get it down.

As he opens the cap and drinks it, though, you… notice something.

That smell. The other times you’d been around Sans, you’d still picked up a faint scent of blood. As peculiar as it was, you’d assumed that it was your mind playing tricks on you after being at the blood bank together, so you hadn’t thought into it any deeper. This time, though, something’s different. You hadn’t picked up that smell of blood once yet this evening, but the moment he opened his bottle, you swear you took in a whiff again.

Why could that be happening? Is your brain still pulling tricks on you, or is there something about that bottle you’re not aware of? Sans is the most peaceful dude you’ve met in a long time, you trust him to not have some weird, dark secret, but it’s very strange that that’s what you’re picking up each time he goes for a drink.

“whassa matter, ____? are you thinkin’ of becoming a ketchup aficionado too, too? there should be avocados back there, if that’s close enough.”

“Hrm? Oh, sorry, I, uh….” You try to scramble something still honest together.

“I didn’t wanna eat without you.”

“aww, ya didn’t? that’s real nice. i’ll make sure to do the same for you, if you become a ketchup drinker someday.” Grabbing the half-eaten gyro off of his lap, Sans gets back to eating it, as you do the same for yours. You can’t help but keep thinking about… well, _that_ , but you try to not let it distract you from your food. This is a nice time together, and if your thoughts are completely off the mark, asking ‘why does your ketchup sort of smell like blood’ sounds like an easy way to make a day uncomfortable fast.

Getting back to the silence from earlier, you finish off the rest of your food, which fortunately didn’t get any colder during your little intermission. If you ever see that truck around again on its own, you know to gun for it right away. It doesn’t take long for you each to finish them off, and after your last bite, you’re unable to hold back a little burp. Sans doesn’t seem to have noticed, but even if he did, you’re sure he wouldn’t have judged. Crumpling up the foil, you set it in your pocket to toss in a recycling bin later, before turning your attention back to the skeleton.

“Did ya like it?”

“oh, totally. learned today how much i like greek food. thanks, socrates.”

“Socrates thought of a lot of things, but I don’t think the gyro was one of them.”

“thanks, land of socrates, then.”

“Good enough.” Appreciating that Sans has the smarts to already know about surface philosophers from thousands of years ago, you ease up a bit onto the bench, not having to worry about getting any food on your clothes now.

“Thanks again for wanting me to tag along to this. Couldn’t have been a nicer day.”

“no, thank you for bein’ as good to me as you have. only cool humans get to go to an event like this. the rest are impostors.”

“Uh oh, do you want me to call the emergency meeting?” You share another laugh, thinking about the rounds of the popular game Among Us that you’ve played plenty of rounds with him in. Ironically, the level of trust that game takes, including betraying the rest of the crewmates if your friend is an impostor, has brought you and him even closer.

“fortunately, no one around seems sus. nice crowd.”

“They better be. Your race deserves nothing but… *burp*… respect.” Couldn’t hide that one.

“heheh, burps are the best form of respect. thanks for... *burp*… doin’ that.” Enjoying your mutual, noisy respect, you look back at the water, enjoying the tranquility of the glistening sun and occasional boat across it.

While you look over it, though, a very pleasant surprise happens.

By instinct, you stretch your right arm over the top of the bench to relax it, somehow forgetting for a moment that Sans is right there. He somehow manages to make the same goof-up, too, and reaches his left arm back. It makes the two of you enter an unexpected sort of side-hug, and the feeling of having a hand on each other’s shoulders catches each of you by surprise. Your focus immediately goes off the water, and onto each other.

“…uh, heh, whoops.” Sans’ pupils sort of scatter around, unsure if they should make eye contact right now.

“S-Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you by… heh…” It’s one of the most awkward feelings you’ve ever had.

“no, no, it’s alright, i… i mean, if you don’t really wanna let go, that’s fine, too.”

 **That** part sure gets you, but… at the same time, you don’t really want to let go, either. The feeling of his cool hand over your warmer skin is… really calming. Yes, it’s really calming, and you’re not going to try to tell yourself otherwise.

“…Y-Yeah, we can… keep doing this. I’ve got such a warming friend, even with his colder hands.”

“heh, and my friend, ____, makes me feel all chill, even if they’re warmer than me.” Laughing once more, you each keep an arm wrapped around the other, while looking back at the water.

You have to admit that your first thought of Sans looking pretty darn cute hasn’t gone away since you met him, and you sure weren’t expecting a chance this nice this soon. It’s nothing you’d say is far enough to push out of the friend region, but it’s… affection. Pure affection, no way around it. Both of you like it enough to keep going, anyway, so you stay like this for a while, not sharing much in the way of words.

The longer this goes, the harder it is to hold back a bit of a blushing feeling over your cheeks, and taking a quick glance at Sans, he’s… doing the same thing. Somehow, his blushing’s blue, but that’s something you can chalk up to Monster Science. You’re totally just friends, you haven’t been with each other enough to say it could be anything else, but… this feels really good. That’s not something you’re gonna tell yourself you’re wrong about.

“thanks for followin’ all my antics, ____.”

“Of course I wanna follow all your antics. A smile like that’s always worth seeing-”

 _Oops_. You didn’t mean for that to sound flirty, but it absolutely just did. The two of you freeze up for a moment, not knowing what to say after that, but with the soft chuckle Sans makes, you’re relieved of a bad dose of embarrassment.

“geez, thanks, ____. i work real hard on this smile. it’s totally not here 24/7.” You laugh again, but you know that Sans isn’t being entirely serious about his smile being some forced thing. With what he says and does, you know there’s a lot of positivity behind it.

Together, you stay on the bench and watch the sun dip, until it starts to get sort of dark. Some of the trucks begin closing up, and you figure it means Sans is going to want to call his brother for a while, as he’s made routine. He might be away, but the bedtime story doesn’t stop.

“Welp, I guess it’s about that time we zip off for the night.”

“you know how to disappear into time and space, too?”

“Heh, I wish.” Reluctantly(…), you pull your arm off of Sans, and he does the same to you. He stands up to do a big stretch, much like the one he did at the blood bank, and you do the same, not realizing just how long you’d been sitting together.

“you’ll be fine going home alone in the dark?”

“Yeah, it’s a safe area. Thanks a skele-ton for having my backbone for that, though.”

“heheh, no prob. don’t want anyone to mess with my new, great pal. those would be some messed up craniums for me to cram a word or two into.”

 _Great pal_? Your heart’s starting to have a hard time taking it. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Sans backs up, ready to zip away.

“see ya soon, ____. i gy-rate that gyro ten outta ten.” He disappears while taking in the sight of your laughter.

A bit of that strange smell of blood is still there when he disappears, though, which turns your laughter into some more of the confusion from earlier. Why should he still smell like blood this far from the blood bank HQ? It was after he started drinking from his ketchup bottle, too. Does he keep refilling it without washing it, or something? It’s a very strange situation, and as you walk home, it just leaves you with more questions than answers.

It isn’t strong enough to wash away that feeling of his arm over your shoulder, though. _Gosh_.


	4. Snacks Won't Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You had a fantastic time with Sans at the food truck event! The gyros you grabbed together were delicious, and while it was a little weird that the smell of the blood bank HQ was around when Sans drank some of his ketchup, the rest of the day outweighed that by far. It gets your spirits staying high for the rest of the month, but when exactly eight weeks have passed since your last blood donation, you get a sudden call that you weren't expecting...

**Chapter 4 – Snacks Won’t Attack**

_“Why am I already back?”_

That’s what you find yourself asking, as you step into the blood bus on a crisp, mid-October afternoon. The same doctor that worked with you the last time is sitting in the little room on the left to take your vitals, and do the iron test. As you easily answer ‘no’ to all of the questions, as usual, you can’t help but wonder why you were asked back this soon.

Today marks exactly eight weeks since your last donation, which is how much time has to pass before you can donate again. Usually, people don’t regiment themselves to donate _that_ quickly, but you received two voicemails and an email from the blood bank that said your type has worked wonders for where it’s gone. By donating right away, they said, you’d be able to supply more of it to the cause right away, without it being too soon to be unhealthy. They didn’t explain where it was going, but you agreed to it, since donation information is always kept confidential, anyways.

Still, you continue to think about how strange it is to be asked to do this as soon as possible, as the doctor takes your finger for the iron test, which you pass, to the surprise of neither of you. As far as you’re aware of, you haven’t heard of any other donors being asked to return this quickly, even if their blood was in high demand. The blood bank usually gives them more time, rather than strongly recommending they return. Each doctor in the bus continues to be as nice as usual, though, so you don’t have any feelings that the procedure itself is going to be a rush job. Dr. Doggo is still as skittish about moving as he was when you last donated, and the Halloween season probably isn’t making that any easier, but he still does a cautious job with the prep and needle, as it feels the same as always.

“Thank you for not moving. Neither me or the blood sure need anything happening.”

…Okay, that part was a little strange, but everything else goes as usual. Dr. Aaron hands you snacks the same sort of creepy way he did the first time, and it’s another clear day out for you to enjoy some sights. The bus is in a different, less densely populated spot this time, so you’ve got a nice view of some nearby hills, where the leaves have been changing colors. It’s the first surface October that monsterkind will get to enjoy in a long time, and surely the first one for nearly every monster that’s kicking right now. You really hope the nature and festivities of it will be things they enjoy.

After the typical few minutes, the pint’s finished, and you get the tube removed. Once you’ve had a few minutes to recharge and enjoy your snacks, you stand up and are about to leave, when Dr. Alphys stops you yet again.

“E-Excuse me, ____! Do you have a minute?”

“Sure thing, what’s up?”

“We, uh… know how it must’ve seemed sort of odd to be called back on such short notice. None of us want you to f-feel uncomfortable with donating, of course! So, erm, we were thinking of inviting you to our next d-dinner tonight. It’s at the same steakhouse as last time, so we can all try out something else on that new menu. Would you care to tag along?”

Well, at least they sure really appreciate you being here. Maybe steak dinners are a usual thing for people that donate often. Agreeing to it, you return home, and then take off for the steakhouse a few hours later. As soon as you’d left the blood bus, you’d texted Sans and asked if he had been invited to this dinner as well, and sure enough, he had been. It’s a good thing to look forward to, as well as distract you from the weirdness of being called back this soon, so it’s a treat to see him waiting by the front doors when you pull in. Guess he didn’t want to overuse the sudden appearing too soon.

“heya, ____. guess we wound up in another date we didn’t control.”

“Pfff, yep, we didn’t need-le to do anything to make it happen.” Sans and yourself have joked about all these food outings you end up doing together being like dates, despite you knowing you’re simply friends.

…Well, friends that hug. You and him sort of… picked up the habit of hugging whenever you meet up somewhere a couple weeks ago, and tonight’s no exception. It’s not long enough for a passerby to think you’re about to go full romance with each other, but it’s… comforting, and not only because he’s wearing a soft hoodie.

Despite the strangeness of the donation today, you and Sans still have a great time at the steakhouse together. This time, you each order one that’s had a cheese blend grilled over it, which proves to be completely worth the try. The rest of the table chats with you a bit more this time as well, both from knowing you from how often you’ve volunteered, and thanking you from how much this donation apparently means. Unfortunately, getting asked to come meant you couldn’t help Sans volunteer today, so you make sure to ask him how it went.

“Was paper sorting alright without me?”

“yeah, it’s like how i used to do it before i metcha. didn’t send any donut papers off to the wrong place, but it was a bit quieter without ya around.” He notices your bummed expression from that, and corrects himself.

“er, sorry, don’t want ya thinking i was sad the whole time. i managed, and my brother even called me on my break. besides, we’re here right now, right?”

“…Yeah. Yeah, we are.”

“and we don’t have a single paper to read. all we gotta read over is our steaks, and i think ours tell quite the story.”

“Pfff, they sure do. Oh, wait! We almost forgot to do our steak toast again.”

“oh, whoops. how’d i forget that? thanks for remembering, the stakes sure were high there.” Letting out a much-needed laugh, you each cut a piece, and raise your forks up into the air.

“to spooky month.”

“To spooky month, now with real monsters.” Hearing that brightens Sans’ smile up even more, which makes yours do the same, as you tap the pieces of your steak together. That smile’s really cute. At this point, you don’t try at all to stop yourself from thinking that.

Something odd happens when you bite down on the piece of meat, though. It’s cooked the same as yours, so you don’t expect the taste to be different, but there’s something… extra to the flavor. It’s the sort of thing that happens to your taste if you bite inside your lip, but you can’t remember doing that tonight. Maybe you did, and the pain just hasn’t kicked in yet? Either way, you’ve got no clue why this bite suddenly has a bit of a taste of that.

“____? ya okay? you look conflicted about something.”

“O-Oh, don’t worry, Sans, it’s nothing. It just tastes a bit like I busted my lip open on this bite.”

“huh, that’s no good. did your drink decide it wanted to be a pain in the glass when you took a sip?”

“Pfff, good idea, but no, the glass all looks fine.”

“phew, that wouldn’t make tonight’s meal a **cut** above the rest.” That one draws out another much-needed laugh, but as you eat the rest of the steak, something doesn’t seem to add up. None of your other bites give that slight bloody flavor, and if you really did bust your lip open, you don’t think it would’ve healed in a minute. Does that slight smell in the air from the blood bank headquarters pass over to his eating, too?

You do your best to keep your mind on the rest of the steak, though, which keeps tasting superb. The rest of the night goes on without anything strange, and it ends the same sort of way it did last time: Alphys thanks everyone, Sans finds a new pun about the bill, and eventually, everyone gets up to go. When you step outside into the cooler air, you exchange a hug that’s a bit longer than the one from before you went in.

“guess that meat helped charge us up for **meeting** out here.”

“Pfff, yep, had to get this _meaty_ hug in.” You share some more jokes of around the same tier, before Sans disappears back to his home for the night. Your side feels a bit lonelier without him, but you remind yourself that with the power of technology, he’s only a call or text away.

There’s something else about the dinner that you don’t realize until the next day: much like last time, you were the only donor to be invited. Everyone else either works for the blood bank, or is a long-time volunteer. They must really value your contributions if you’re the only person they’re letting tag along, but it’s odd to you that no one else has given something they hold that highly. As far as you know, you don’t have some super rare blood type.

You have an aunt who’s frequently donated for decades, so there’s a good chance she’d know about this kind of thing. You’d been meaning to call her, anyways, and nothing says bonding quite like talking about blood getting pumped out of your arm. After your long Monday shift, you try getting ahold of her, and fortunately, she picks up.

The two of you go on for a bit about the usual “How’s life” stuff, before you bring the topic to the donating. Being asked to return as quickly as you were can’t exactly be confidential info, so you mention how you’ve recently been contributing, and the timing of your donation on Saturday.

“Hmmm… and it was definitely eight weeks?”

“Yup, checked my calendar to make sure. It’s weird, but they at least didn’t push any legal stuff.”

“That’s pretty odd. I’ve known some people that’ve signed up right away, but I’ve _never_ heard of a blood bank being the one to ask that.”

“Huh. That makes it extra weird, then. You don’t know of anyone in our family history that had some wild thing about their blood I could’ve inherited?”

“Can’t think of anything. There was that time your uncle got busted open pretty bad by a box of strawberries, but I don’t think that could’ve infected his blood.”

“Yeesh, I think I remember that one. Was he okay?”

“After a lot of wrapping, yes. We had to toss the strawberries, couldn’t tell what was from the fruit and what was… well, you know, but that was only a few bucks lost.” You can hear some laughing chatter coming from the other end, so your uncle must’ve overheard.

“At least the steak was really good again.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, they’ve invited me to two steak dinners now. It was really kind of them.”

“Okay, that’s really odd. It took years of donating for me to get **one** dinner.”

“Y-Years?”

“Yeah. Unless your area works different and they’re handing them out to everyone, that’s real strange.” You nervously clear your throat and tell her that it’s only been you, and how this started soon after monsters emerged on the surface.

“Hmmm… well, the blood’s already out of your arm, so you can’t really do anything about that part. I’d be cautious about whatever else they ask for or provide, though. I doubt those monsters are doing anything fishy with it, I’ve met nothing but kind ones since they’ve shown up, but maybe some human higher-up has weird stuff in mind. It’s your blood, so I’m not gonna tell you it shouldn’t go anywhere, but make sure your health’s coming first.”

“…You’re right. Thanks, having someone to help me realize that helps a lot.”

“Any time.” You’re really glad to know someone that knows how donating feels to talk to about this. She has a mind for puns, too, as the two of you go on to joke about strawberries for a bit, before she has to go for dinner. Thanking her for the chat, you hang up, unsure if that call’s left you with more questions, or more of a clear plan.

It’s really weird that you’ve been invited to two, if one took so long for her to get. It’s not something the blood bank had brought up, aside from thanking you many times for contributing, but maybe they just didn’t want to wig you out from being able to enjoy the time there. Before you can think about it any longer, though, another ring pops up on your phone. This one’s from Sans.

Well, if anything, this donating’s gotten you and him together a lot. Being with him and his bones is worth two pints of blood being gone over time. Eagerly picking up the phone, you start talking with him.

“Hey, Sans!”

“heya, ____. didja have a magnificent monday?”

“Well, it’s magnificent with you on the line-”

 _Whoops_ … well, maybe whoops. It’s not a lie.

“awwww, that was sweet. had a busy day?”

“Y-Yeah, pretty loaded shift today. Called my aunt about some stuff right before this, and that was pretty much it for my fun stuff.”

“fun stuff’s actually why i called.”

“You got a new brand of stuffing you wanted to let me know about?”

“pfff, nah, that ain’t it. they’re doing some sort of remodeling to the blood bank hq on saturday, so there isn’t gonna be any volunteering.”

“Awww.” That’s a bummer. It’s your easiest chance to get together with him.

“don’t worry, when one glass door shuts, one not-glass door opens. would you wanna come over to my place that day? we could chill with games and popato chisps all afternoon.”

 **That** sure changes your focus.

“Heck yeah, I would! Game time together would be great, and I could see Rocko, too.”

“yuppers, they’d love to have a guest around. you could even feed them their sprinkles, if ya want.”

“Do you want me to bring any controllers over?”

“nah, i’ve got enough here. we’ve got at least two of everything, for when my brother and i digitally duke it out.”

“Alrighty. Looking forward to it already, it should be a great time!”

“me, too. the couch is gonna enjoy some muscle sitting down on it.”

* * *

“did i keep ya waiting?”

Your phone browsing’s stopped on Saturday afternoon by the sound of your favorite voice. Looking up and away from your pocket internet, Sans is happily standing over your bed. He’s donning the same outfit as always, aside from his slippers maybe being a lighter shade of pink than last time. You’ll have to ask him later if he gets different kinds.

“Ayyyy! Sans!”

“ayyyy! a wild ____!” You laugh together, and join up for another hug. _This one’s even longer than the last one again_. If you do have a crush on him, it sure is crushing it right now.

“ready for a thrilling, top-tier trip to my home?”

“You bet! My hands are ready for that intense holding!” You break away from the hug, as alas, you wouldn’t be able to get to his home together that way.

“alrighty. you’re gonna have to follow this step-by-step process **very** closely.”

“I’m all ears.”

“and hands?”

“Pffff, yes, I’m all hands, too.”

“step one. reach them in front of you, palms facing up.” Cautiously, and without making any sudden movements, you bring your hands in front of you and slowly turn them around so the palms face up.

“done.” He grabs at them with no grace at all, but makes sure to not be too tight.

“Ahaha, I passed all those complex steps?”

“yup. hundred percent. ready to go?”

“Y-Yeah!” The stutter’s from you realizing that **your best bud’s holding your hands for the first time** , but it’s clear enough for Sans to understand.

“alrighty. air sans is ready for takeoff, for its whole one flyer.” A clicking noise happens, and all of your surroundings are dark for a moment. All you can see is Sans, who somehow still sticks out in all the darkness. He sure isn’t a bad only sight to have, but with another click sound, surroundings come back into view.

You find yourself in Sans’ living room, which, as he’s told you through texts before, is exactly the same as the one him and his brother had used in the Underground. All of the house, in fact, is a complete replica; somehow, they found a house in town that wasn’t an ounce different, so there was no reason to look at anything else. Papyrus painted the walls a different color, so they could ‘CHANGE UP THE EXPERIENCE’, but aside from that, it’s exactly what Sans has always been used to; a TV in the living room, a staircase that leads to two bedrooms upstairs, striped carpeting, and everything else that made their old home, well, home. Rocko’s sitting in their spot on the table by the kitchen as always, thoroughly enjoying the sprinkles that’ve been coated over them.

“ya like it?”

“Totally. This is the homiest home I’ve ever honed in on.”

“heh, glad that prize isn’t holding out for any others.” Before going on, Sans looks down at your feet.

“looks like ya dressed the right way, too.” You’re not sure what he means at first, but taking a look down, you realize where you goofed. You’d never thought to put shoes on before Sans whisked you and himself away, so you’re now standing around in just socks. You can’t be too hard on yourself, given that being the first time someone zipped you away without a single step, but it’s still a little awkward. No asking if you should take your shoes off, if there’s no shoes _to_ be taken off.

“…Erm… sorry.”

“no, no, nothing to be sorry about, buddo. ya look cozy in those, that’s the important thing.”

“Awww, thanks, you sure look cu- cozy in those slippers, too.” The near ‘cute’ was long enough for Sans to hear, but he “pretends” like he doesn’t.

“got an idea for somethin’ we can do.”

“Oooooh, what’d ya have in mind? I kinda forgot to think of anything myself.”

“was gonna fish out a game, but then i remembered that it’s spooky month. wanna watch a terrible spooky movie together?”

“Sounds good to me! What’d you have in mind?” Walking over to the old, cozy-looking green couch, Sans dramatically sticks his hands in between the cushions. For a moment, you think he’s about to trick you by throwing some sock or hoodie at your chest, but instead, he pulls out a DVD case. Squinting, you’re able to make out the title: _Birdemic: Shock and Terror_.

“ready to sink your talons on this?”

“Absolutely!” You’ve seen some YouTube reviews of this hilarious abomination before, but have never seen the full thing from front to back. You’re not sure what’s more amazing about it; the lines that the actors had to spit out, or the post-production that the director did all of on his own computer. The way the same still animations of birds fly around the screen is like nothing else in cinema, and there’s no one else you’d rather laugh yourself to pieces with over it than Sans.

“had this sittin’ around for a while, someone must’ve hated it enough to throw it in the dump. guess that means it’s perfect for us to **mess** around with.” You really don’t like that Sans, as well as the rest of monsterkind, had to go through a dump to get human things, so you’re sure to give him the best time he could possibly have with this today.

“go get comfy on the couch. i’ll get it set up.” Strolling over to the couch and sitting down, you immediately sink deep into the cushion. It’s clearly been very well loved over the years. Opening a drawer, Sans pulls a DVD player out and hooks it up, but before sticking the disc in, he pulls his ketchup bottle out of a hoodie pocket to take a drink. There’s some sort of moment of hesitation, though, before taking the sip; he flicks the cap open, looks at the top for a moment, and seems to draw a breath in before taking in the tomato goodness.

What was that about? Sans always seems to love his ketchup; there shouldn’t be any reason he wouldn’t like it now. He _was_ saying yesterday how he misses enjoying dinnertime with his brother, so maybe having a friend over is reminding him of those nights. You don’t want him to have to feel bummed during movie time, so when he puts the disc in and comes back to the couch with the remote, you give him a pat on the shoulder the same way he did the first night you met.

“Thinking about Papyrus?”

“…yeah. and another thing, but we’re here to have a good time. i won’t make ya listen to everything goin’ on, time with you should go a long way.”

“As long as that’s what you’re alright with, bud. I’m here to listen to whatever you’d wanna talk about.”

“thanks. i think it’ll wear off soon. papyrus’ll be happy to know about us laughing our skulls off from this.”

“Pffff, yeah, we might get pretty _feathered_ up from how much we’ll be wheezing.” That brings back the Sans smile you know and love (…love?!), as he taps the buttons for the film to start.

The very first line of dialogue is enough to nearly send you and Sans down to the carpet.

[https://www.youtube.com/embed/Y6FN4znph94?start=7&end=12](https://www.youtube.com/embed/Y6FN4znph94?start=7&end=12)

_How_. The line doesn’t match the video at all. Once your howling stops, you and Sans give each other a good look, trying to figure out if that really happened.

“…hi!”

“Hai!” If the first bit of dialogue was enough to get all that out of you, you’ve got a real good time ahead.

Together, you take in all the hilariously awful writing, and the birds don’t even show up for the first forty-five minutes or so. There’s weird relationships, personalities that make no sense, and scenes that do nothing to further characters, like the main guy filling his car’s gas, and getting a solar panel installed on his roof. Pretty soon, you get to a part where the protagonist is at a work meeting.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nObH1R9ONw>

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some great news. Our board of directors has agreed to the acquisition of MCT Software by Oracle Corporation… for a billion dollars!”

The employees at the table start clapping… and clapping… and clapping. They just don’t stop. Each time it goes to a new shot, the clapping noise cuts in again, like they recorded a bunch of takes and didn’t care how consistent the sound is. It gets funnier each time, until eventually, breathing’s hard. Maybe having your best bud with you is making you quicker to laugh, but you’re not complaining.

With how long they keep applauding this clearly amazing sale, you can’t help but think you should do the same. Joining in, you start loudly clapping for the company, making sure to be obnoxiously loud again each time it cuts to a new frame. Sans picks up what you’re doing and joins in as well, as you hear the oddly calming noise of the bones of his hands clattering together.

“This is great, Sans. A whole billion dollars!”

“yup, you…” He waits five seconds before getting all loud with it again.

“you really worked hard. congrats, bud.” Sans reaches a hand out for a high five, which you gladly give him, before turning back to the TV to watch the scene trail off.

It turns out, Sans had the same idea for where to place his hand.

You’d let your left hand rest on the cushion without any thought, when Sans happens to rest his right hand right over it. You’re surprised at first by the cool feeling of his bones suddenly laying over it, and as you look to your left, you see a skeleton with an adorable blue blush crept up on his face. Magic’s a wonderful thing, to let a skeleton with no blood in his body blush. Whatever weird bit of driving’s next in the movie goes completely ignored, as you both nervously laugh a bit, having a hard time making eye to eye socket contact.

“…heh heh, ya really listened when i said talons earlier, ____...”

“Pfff, guess I did. Mind if I, erm…” You’d started asking without making any plan.

“…Sink them in a little bit?” You’re not sure if he gets what you mean, but he nods his head, as you push forward with interlocking your fingers. As soon as he gets what you’re doing, he wastes no time to do the same. You’ve still only ever called yourselves friends, and you don’t think either of you are about to loudly proclaim anything, but… you feel really affectionate for him. That smile and kindness deserves this sort of comfort.

Before you can get too caught up in it, Sans uses his open hand to reach for the remote and pause the film.

“as really nice as this talon-sinking is, there’s something near the sink i just remembered. i think the part of the movie where the ‘birds’ come in is soon.” You can practically hear the marks around ‘birds’.

“wanna get some snacks for it?”

“Sounds good to me. Can’t be hungry when we watch birds coat people with bird acid.”

“yeah, we’ve gotta get some soda acid in our systems for that.” Neither of you want to let go of your sudden hand-holding, but grabbing stuff would be pretty hard if you kept it going, so you manage to let go. Following Sans into the kitchen, you make sure to give Rocko a little pat on the way. They probably can’t see the movie very well from there, so they deserve a bit of attention.

“if ya wanna pull a couple sodas out of the fridge, i’ll work on the chips and chisps.”

Ah, yes, the chisps. Ever since monsters emerged, popato chisps have become a strong rival to the chips industry. The difference? Too powerful to share over text.

“Sure thing. What kind do you want?”

“hmm… gimme a grape one. grape soda for a great time as we g-rate this movie.”

“Geez, I don’t think I have any clever wordplay for the lemon-lime one I was thinking of, if you have it.”

“eh, we can figure it out during the movie. teamwork.” Opening up the fridge, you pull out a couple cans, setting them in front of Sans. He looks satisfied with your choices, as he reaches up high to get to the cabinet above him for the bags.

Something strange happens when he opens the cabinet, though. A heavy-looking bag that seems nothing like chips or chisps comes falling out. It hits Sans’ face with a resounding thud, before falling in a red flash to the countertop.

“Uh oh, you okay, Sans? That didn’t look too comfy.”

“ah, yeah, i’m fi-” He stops and looks at the bag, now in complete silence. You’re not sure what’s going on, so you follow his eye socket contact to the bag… and find what might be the last thing you’d ever expect.

It’s a blood bag… no, not just any blood bag. You’re staring at **your** blood bag from last week. Your name and blood information are all written at the top, just as you remembered seeing it from when you made the donation. It’s still the same dark red as from when you donated it, but it’s a little thinner than when it was full. Some of it’s been used already.

Sans stays immobile, quietly muttering things you can barely make out.

“…h-how could i forget… right on top… someone could come over…” His floating pupils direct their attention from the blood bag to you.

“…____, i… i can…”

It’s one of the saddest things you think you’ve ever seen. Your best bud, who you’ve only seen in warm, happy spirits, looks terrified, like he’s about to be arrested. The slight frown of his is wavering, almost looking like it could burst into tears.

Whatever this is, you don’t want your friend to be this caught up in fear. You’ve got no clue why he has your blood, as the smell from the blood bank HQ and the food trucks suddenly makes a lot more sense, but even if you’re confused, you don’t want to suddenly be any sort of a jerk. Stepping closer, you rest your hand on his shoulder, the same way he did for you at the end of the first night you met.

“Sans… whatever’s going on, please don’t be afraid. I’m not about to call the police, or run out the door. You’re a great guy. I’m sure there’s a reason for this I can understand.” He looks away, unable to say anything, so you gently press your hand down a little deeper.

“Please, Sans. You’re my best bud. Best buds listen to each other’s troubles. I’m not gonna jump to any conclusions.” Either your words, the comfort of your touch, or both are enough to get him to look back at you again, and while the frown’s still there, he doesn’t seem as mortified as he was a minute ago.

“…alright. you should know. it’s really, really weird, and i dunno if you’re gonna like it, but you should know. ____, i…” He looks down again, stuffing his hands into his pocket for comfort. You can hear a little sniff, so you move your hand to the back of his shoulder to give a light pat. It’s enough to make him nod and stop the sniffing, as he does his best to get it out.

“…i’m part vampire.”


	5. Bones Don't Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It finally happened. In the middle of movie-watching with you, when Sans was reaching to pull some chips out of a kitchen cabinet, your blood bag fell out, landing right on the countertop. Unable to hide it anymore, he told you that he's part vampire, and going by his expression, he really wasn't ready to say it yet. Poor guy....

**Chapter 5 – Bones Don’t Lie**

“i… i can do my best to explain, but if you’re not comfortable, i get it. i’ll give you money for a ride home.”

Well, you sure can’t say that’s what you were expecting. This caring, lovable skeleton in front of you is part vampire. It breaks absolutely every notion of what you’d thought a vampire is. Wouldn’t one be wearing dark clothing, with a sinister look and foreboding teeth? At least some trace of gothic style around where they live? Going after humans to get their fill?

You see none of that in your friend. This part-vampire you hold dear is simply himself. He wears a blue hoodie and pink slippers, goes about each day with jokes and light ways to look at life, and he’s perfect that way. No, you don’t see any of those common vampire traits in him. You see something far, far better.

The only downside from what you’re seeing is how upset Sans looks. His slumped shoulders and hard time looking at you seems like a sad acceptance of the thought that you’re about to leave. That shouldn’t be something he has to think at all. Maybe it’s because the care for your friend outweighs any shock of him being part vampire, or simply because it isn’t the most unique thing you’ve heard since monsters emerged, but it’s not bothering you. Whatever the situation is with the blood, you’re sure you and Sans can talk through it, so you immediate assure him that you’re staying.

“N-No, Sans, I’m… I’m not doing that. Not to you.” He looks up from the countertop, almost looking surprised to hear that. The longer he looks at you, though, the more he must be remembering all the carefree times you’ve already had together, because the surprise dwindles.

“…you’re not ticked? after seeing that this has been going on all this time?”

“No, I’m not ticked. If I was in your shoes- er, no, slippers- I’d be worried, too, if I had a connection with a friend like that. As long as you’re alright with talking this through, I don’t want to go.”

“…a-alright. thanks f0r wanting to stick around.”

“Of course I want to stick around. That wasn’t an answer I was expecting, but I’m sure not gonna run out the door. What kind of friend would leave a friend that’s under all that pressure?”

“geez, you… you really are the best.”

“How about we head over to the couch? It could be more comfortable for you, and Rocko won’t have to overhear everything.”

“heh, good idea. i know human media has all sorts of stuff about vampires, so i promise i’m not gonna, like… bite you. even if i wanted to, which i don’t, my jaw’s always closed.” Sans seems a little calmer, so you feel good about slipping a joke in.

“Don’t worry, I’m not afraid snack time’s about to happen. We’ve got chisps for that later, anyway.” There’s not much of a smile, but you can hear a soft chuckle, which is a much better sign than nothing. Leaving the actual snacks forgotten for now, you walk back to the living room together, and you give Sans all the couch space he needs. Feeling like folding his legs in to sit down easier, he kicks his slippers off, showing you for the first time how soft his socks look. The slippers can’t be giving as much cushion off hard ground as a sneaker would, so you’re glad he has those giving support, too. Wanting him to feel at ease, you sit down the same way, giving the two of you enough room to both fit and face each other.

“I won’t ask any questions. Share whatever you want, as fast or slow as you want. The last thing I’d wanna do is interrogate.”

“…appreciated. part of me never wanted to have to give this talk, but i guess i won’t be wondering about it anymore.” Sans clears his ‘throat’, which makes you realize that there’s nothing someone could’ve bit into at his neck, if that’s how skeleton vampires come to be.

“er, i guess i should start by saying that this… this has always been part of me. i never got reborn, or any of that weird stuff from the movies. s-sorry if you like those movies, though. didn’t mean that to judge.”

“No, you’re fine. Relieved no one did that to you, I’d hate if anyone messed with my bud.” Reassuring him this much that he’s still your bud seems like a comforting way to go, and with how his shoulders get a little less tense, it seems to be working.

“well, i didn’t really come into existence the same way other monsters do. you can’t say you’ve seen any other skeletons before, right?”

“Aside from the ones under human skin, no.”

“exactly. we’re really rare. we can’t really be created the same way any other monster would, so if a skeleton suddenly exists one way or another, they’ve gotta be smart enough to create one.”

“Create?”

“yup. that’s how my dad brought my bro and i into the world. he did years of research, prepped his lab, did some sort of science and magic thing, and wham. i’m here.”

“Woah… that sure isn’t something I’ve learned in genetics classes. Your father must’ve been incredibly intelligent, to pull something like that off.” Sans had briefly said before that he used to have a father that’s now passed on, so you make sure to be respectful of the right tenses when talking about him.

“yeah, he was royal scientist of the underground for a reason. no one was as good as him. he sorta did a goof up when he made me, though.”

“How so? You look perfect to me.”

“…heheh, thanks. something about the resources that i need for my best energy got goofed up when he was making me happen. i was negative one minute old, so i don’t remember any of the details, but when i was born, i, i…” He stops, and you place a hand on his knee for support.

“I’m not leaving. Share all you want to share.” He nods in thanks, before going on.

“…i was born with sort of a need for blood. i say that i’m part vampire ‘cause it doesn’t mess with anything else i do. i make h’dogs, give comedy shows, and have important debate over crosswords vs junior jumble with my brother the same way anyone else would. in order for me to be at my best energy, though, i… i need a good blood match.” Sans must like the feeling of your hand on his knee, because he scooches a little closer to make it easier for you to reach.

“blood doesn’t really work the same for monsters as it does for humans, so we never really found a perfect match down there. some were pretty good, but i noticed that there was a hundred percent i was never really reaching.”

“Ugh. You deserve that to be a perfect grade all day, every day.” You keep repeating in your head to not do anything that’d give off being uncomfortable with this. Part vampirism is just something that makes up Sans’ composition; his personality’s what really matters.

“so, when we got to the surface, we thought we’d try with humans. there isn’t any big conspiracy for the blood bank, they really are getting donations to help with finding cures to diseases, and i’m using real papers of theirs to volunteer. they just figured my issue’s pressing enough for them to try getting stuff for me, too.”

“It absolutely is. Better comfort’s what you deserve.”

“aww, i’m in the middle of this speech, and you’re still bein’ that nice to me.” He gets a bit of a smile for the first time in a while, which you’re glad to see, and you can’t help but notice a little tint of light blue on his cheeks, if only for a moment.

“i’d get little samples to mix with ketchup, which is what i do to make it more fun and less wierdo-looking to drink, and i was asked to tell them how they were making me feel. none of them did all that much, but when i got to yours, it… it was a perfect match. right away, i felt this rush of energy that i’d rarely, if never had before.”

“Is now an alright time for blood jokes?”

“definitely.” He looks really relieved that things aren’t tenser.

“Great, because I’m really glad they didn’t try to _cell_ my blood to you. Hooray for non-profits.”

“…heh, hooray, indeed.” He does chuckle a bit, but then gets back to the topic.

“so, erm, i’ll get back to it. the sample worked real well, so they sent me the whole bag. i spread a bit of it into a bottle of ketchup, to keep it tasting good and not looking weird. it kept making me feel just as good, so i easily worked through that bag over time, and wound up with enough extra push to wanna do stuff like that volunteer work. my other jobs haven’t changed, but having that extra energy built up to do stuff like that’s been real nice.”

“So, like coffee, but without the brewing.”

“yup. that spark’s gotten me a long way. it feels like i’m really using my time on the surface the best i can. that’s why i pushed to get the steak dinner to be that day.”

“You were part of that?”

“w-well, just part of it. they were gonna have **a** steak dinner eventually, and i convinced the blood bank to have it after one-a your donations. i really wanted to see the face of the person that’d been providing, so i could give my thanks, and not always wonder who they are. it was just gonna be the one night, but…” He stops again.

“Take your time.”

“…heheh, i didn’t know the donor was gonna be so darn nice.” He reaches a hand out from his closed up position, holding it over your knee.

“would you mind? i might kneed something to hold right now.” You tell him you don’t mind at all without a moment’s hesitation, and he rests his hand over your knee. Even with pants covering it, the coolness of his bones still feels really good.

“thanks, buddo. i guess that does a pretty good job showing what i was thinking of ya, but i’ll still babble a bit.”

“Oh, babble all you want, bud.”

“well, the donor, who just so happened to be you, ended up being nicer than i coulda predicted. you enjoy all the little things with me, whether it be getting a snack, helping move papers around, or watching this terrible movie. when we moved up to the surface, i didn’t have a darn clue how making human friends was gonna go, but the best one came to me on their own.” There’s a warm feeling building up in your cheeks that you don’t bother trying to hold back.

“W-Well, that’s only because I’ve got a bud that makes each and every one of those times worth it, and his name’s Sans.”

“you mean his name’s not sanitation?”

“Not that I can recall.”

“yeah, that memory wouldn’t wash up anytime soon.”

“Pffff… see what I mean? You’re such a genuine, kind, thoughtful person, Sans. Being with you’s made life a lot more fun, I’ve been nothing but glad to tag along to all of this stuff.” He smiles a bit longer, before the happiness seems to wear away, as he looks back down at the couch cushions. You know you said earlier that you wouldn’t ask questions, but you want to be here for anything he could need.

“What’s wrong? If… if you want to share, of course.”

“…i just don’t know how you still wanna stay with me after this. i never thought to tell you about the blood on my own. if that accident hadn’t happened, i dunno when i woulda been able to, if ever. how’re you still not freaked out by this? a friend’s been getting a supply of your blood to keep up his energy.”

Thinking an action would speak louder than words right now, you take a hand of his own and rest it over where his is. That sure gets him looking back up at you.

“Because I’m not worried at all, pal. Like I said earlier, I have no idea how I’d share that if I was in your spot, and I can’t think of anyone else that easily could. A couple pints over a few months hasn’t been setting me back at all, and my best friend’s feeling good with it. Being part vampire doesn’t make you some bad person, Sans. You simply need this little spark to get other things going, and I’m fine with being the one to do that.”

“b-but what about how long this is gonna go? i don’t wanna end up making you into a blood atm for the rest of your life.”

“Then I’ll help you. You come from a society built on magic, there has to be some way to sort this out. I’m no scientist like your father was, but with human and monster studies together now, there has to be something we can find to help you. There’s been a lot of monsters before, something like this has to have been written down at one point.”

“that could take so much work, though. don’tcha have other things you’d wanna do more?”

“It’s worth it. Worth it for you.”

Sans is pretty lost for words. He didn’t think this talk with you would end up making you want to help him even _more_.

“…g-geez, ____, i… i dunno what to say. my best pal’s willing to take all that time to get me feeling better. you really are amazing.”

“You’re amazing, Sans. It’s what you deserve.” Still feeling pretty struck, Sans takes his open hand and lays it over yours, making a bit of a hand sandwich out of it. (Handwich? Ham sandwich? Ham sanswich?)

“…heheh, ya know what else is gonna be really good about this? my bad if this part’s what scares ya into wanting to leave.”

“Lay it on me.”

“i’m g-gonna… have someone real darn cute to look at while flipping through old texts.”

 _Aaaaaaa! Your heart!_ Sans just completely took over your heart, and unlike other vampires, he didn’t have to do anything vile to do it. You’re feeling like the human equivalent of a 404 error page, so in response, you just bring Sans in with a big hug.

“o-oh, wow, bud, this is… thanks for making this way better than i could’ve guessed.” He starts hugging back, bringing his hands tightly around your back.

“You and that mug of yours deserve it-” You’re interrupted by the feeling of falling back. You must’ve pulled Sans in quick enough to shift your momentum, because you go back-first into the cushion. Fortunately, your head doesn’t thwack the arm rest; that would’ve been a pretty painful end to the fun.

That’s the least of your worries right now, though. **Sans is laying on top of you, with his face only a few inches away.** You can feel his breath over your cheeks, and it’s heavenly.

“…e-erm… i…” All Sans does is bring his hug tighter, and you do the same. You’ve got a feeling you both want to say the same thing.

“____, i think… eheheh…”

“Me, too.” Finishing his sentence doesn’t seem like much of a risk, with how much both of your cheeks are burning.

“Wanna…”

“absolutely.” Sans closes the space between your mouths, using his teeth to plant a long smooch over your lips.

Your gut had been wanting this for a while, but you’d never given yourself permission to really imagine it. There’s nothing you have to imagine now, though, as your return the favor. Having no lips, the magic bone around Sans’ teeth sort of grips up with your lips, but that doesn’t make it feel any less wonderful. It’s easy to get the push to give Sans back all the care you can right now, letting out some chuckling noises at the same time as smooching away and caressing the back of his hoodie.

There’s something sort of funny about finding out your best friend’s part vampire to confessing your love for him less than half an hour later. If this is a long, long thing, which you can’t imagine it not being, you’re sure it’s a story the two of you will always tell each other. Eventually, you have to stop to catch your breath again, and Sans, being the understanding not-human he is, pulls up to let you do that. The two of you silently stare at each other from a bit, aside from the heavy breathing, before laughing some more.

“…heheheh, well, that… was nice. guess it sorts out the burning crush i’ve had on ya.”

“Oh, you planted the seeds for mine the moment you pranked me at that steakhouse. Immediate crush material.”

“never really thought a human would want that after that part of me i just shared, but with how great my best bud is, i… i guess i can’t be too surprised.”

“Don’t worry about that at all. I love my part-vampire skeleton pal just as much as if that wasn’t a part of him.” Hearing ‘love’ brightens up his smile even more, as you and Sans lift yourselves up from where you’d been laying down.

“Besides, Sans, do you really think anything you could be doing with my blood is worse than this bloody movie?” You gesture at the TV, which now just has the DVD Video logo bouncing around the screen.

“oh, yeah, the movie. all that made me almost forget about it.”

“Wanna watch the rest now? It’d be a great first thing for me to do with my boyfriend.” Sans has his own 404 moment from hearing ‘boyfriend’, until he takes your right hand and gives it its own smooch.

“totally. we admitted our crushes just in time, too. what says love quite like watching horrible bird models screech?”

“Well, our relationship’s not gonna have any screeching in it, so the birds can do that for us.”

“perfectly fine with me.” It isn’t easy, but Sans manages to pull out of your touch. He looks around for the remote for a moment, but he finds it between the couch cushions, as physics require. He walks back to the kitchen, scooping up the sodas, as well as the actual chips and chisps this time, before returning to the couch. Setting them by his side, he’s about to sit next to you, before gets an idea.

“mind if i hop on your lap, bud? my weight won’t kill ya.”

“Oh, please do. I’ll make sure my arms are a good seatbelt.” Hopping on, Sans snuggles deep into your lap, letting you wrap your arms around him as he grabs the remote to hit ‘play’. You rest your head on his shoulder, ready to feel the vibration on his bones from his laughing, as well as being right there for all the smooches you know your gut had been wanting for such a long time. The movie starts back up with the birds finally attacking the town, nearly halfway in, and our ‘heroes’ come up with a brilliant plan to fight back.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bu0sy9OG4RU>

In awe, you watch the group level the motel room, each person holding a shirt hanger as their highly efficient ‘weapon’. They silently move their way across the parking lot, as the bizarre sight gets Sans chuckling again. Since there isn’t a birdbardment going on right now, you notice how Sans’ ribs feel like they’re vibrating when he laughs, which is a feeling you can definitely get used to for hugs like this.

“Look, here they come!”

Together, you get a closer look at the “birds” hovering across the screen, as your heroes in the film haplessly swing their hangers at the air, trying their best to make it look like they’re fending off the beasts. Through the laughter, you think of how completely different this is from the first half of the film; it suddenly went from absolutely everything going great for the characters, to their town being attacked.

“what a tragedy. a whole zero buildings have gotten a single scratch.”

“Well, it did make that one hanger sort of bump the doorframe. Maybe a smidge of paint got nicked.”

“oh, geez, you’re right. that’s a dollar being spent on fixing that. you could buy a bag of chips with that kinda money.”

“Don’t worry, Sans. It’s just a movie, nothing like that could happen in real life.” Playing up the irony, Sans nods, as you feed him another chip. The chip sort of pulls itself out of your hand as he gobbles it down.

You’re relieved to see how relaxed he is now; it’s completely mirrored from how he was half an hour ago. You’d both more or less held back the love you’d been feeling for each other for a while, but now that you’ve confessed, there’s plenty of catching up to do. Especially in Sans’ case, where you want to support him through making something happen, you’re completely glad to be here for him every step of the way now.

The movie sure is a treat for you to watch with Sans the first time you can say he’s your boyfriend, too. This is absolutely the best kind of film for you and him to watch together; it keeps trying to be scary, and fails in every way imaginable, and then some. Highlights include a guy that goes into a long speech about global warming, birds divebombing with plane sounds, and this.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEocUT5z3qU>

“well, that sure is a **crappy** thing to happen.”

“Pffff, yep, gotta be a **flocking** pain for that crowd.” If this was a little more serious, maybe you and Sans would’ve been more surprised, but all they’re doing is slowly laying down on the ground. Laughter it is.

The laughing’s your favorite part of watching, because whenever it happens, you and Sans usually look at each other and share a _peck_. It’s hard to think of how you used to keep yourselves from doing this, but now that you are, you sure aren’t going to stop. Every once in a while, he has to take a sip of his blood, and you can tell from his demeanor that he still isn’t the happiest about having to do that around you, but you make sure to hold him a little tighter when he does, to assure him it’s okay.

“Hope it’s still tasty.”

“heh, don’t worry. ketchup’s still ketchup. i don’t wanna have to do this to your blood forever, but at least this tastes pretty good.” You give his shoulder a rub each time he makes a chug motion, to keep him from feeling at all discouraged. The blood’s out of your system already, and it’s not going back in, so if he has it and it helps, he may as well keep using it.

“Did it hit the spot?”

“yeah. thanks, buddy.” He brings himself closer to your chest, feeling really safe with you around, as you gladly keep him close and tight.

Eventually, the movie sort of just… ends. That’s the best you can describe it. There’s another attack scene that’s just as bizarre as the others, with the birds all plastered over the footage, when suddenly, they completely lose interest and fly away.

“…Wha?”

“they realized they’re in this movie. wouldn’t you wanna get out, too?”

“Ahaha, good point. They’ve got better places to hover and screech.” The characters stare off into the horizon as the birds fly away, not saying a single line that could resolve anything, as the credits begin to roll.

“Well, that was… something.”

“the first half where everything went great had nothing to do with the rest. it’d be like if i overbaked a pancake on one side, and left it raw on the other.”

“Delicious.”

“you wanna have one like that?”

“Depends. Can strawberries be in it?”

“if ya want, you bet.”

“I’ll think about it, then. I’d have to make sure it wouldn’t _batter_ around my health.” Laughing again, Sans briefly pulls himself off of your lap to turn the player off, before coming back to hop right back on, facing you this time.

“erm, this is alright with you, right? don’t wanna break my new lovey buddy’s bubble.”

“Oh, totally. You don’t know how much my gut’s wanted that smile so close, anyway.”

“phew, i wouldn’t wanna make anything a **gut punch** right away.”

“Heheh, don’t worry, you haven’t. So, erm… what do you wanna do now, bud?”

“first, this.” He brings your hand up for a sloppy smooch, making your cheeks break the proverbial thermometer.

“aight, now that that’s done, here’s what i had in mind.” Pulling off of your lap and reaching deep in between the couch cushions, Sans pulls out a DVD case, as well as a sock. Tossing the sock aside, you see the title: _Birdemic 2: The Resurrection._

“Wanna watch the self-aware sequel?”

“Heck yeah, I do!” With an even bigger smile than when you were starting the first film, Sans walks over to the DVD player to switch discs, before returning to your lap. You quickly get back to the same hugging and chisp-eating routine, as the film begins.

You’re not sure how long it’s going to take to find this solution to Sans’ blood situation, or even where you’re going to start. That’s not what’s important to you right now, though. Your best bud is now your boyfriend… no, bonefriend, and you can let out all the love that you’d been waiting to show. On top of that, he doesn’t have to worry about his trait; the last thing you ever want is for Sans to feel afraid, and with that talk out of the way, he doesn’t have to be at all now. You love and care for him a lot, and no matter what, being this close will always be a positive thing to _pint_ towards.


	6. Love Doesn't Quit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, *that* sure was a day. You came over to Sans' house, found out he's part vampire, and ended up mutually confessing. Just like that, you've become a happy couple, and you're honored to be able to call Sans your bonefriend. There's plenty of autumn fun to be had together, but there's also the promise you made to him to try to find an answer to his need for blood. It might take a lot of reading through dusty old books, but to make that smile of his even happier, you'll do it without a single second thought.

**Chapter 6 – Love Doesn’t Quit**

Despite what anyone says on the contrary when you’re growing up, there’s never a certain way you have to go about finding love. When the right person comes along, and it clicks, that’s what matters.

Nothing when you were younger would tell you that you’d wind up with a crush on a part-vampire skeleton dude, but, as you sit here in a library with him on your lap, head rested on his shoulder as you skim through a book together, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“…Huh, I didn’t know there’s a ninth type of blood. Sorry, Sans, but ‘Rh-null’ has never shown up on the results they’ve given me.” Your current book discusses the effects various blood types have, as you discover that there’s apparently a rare type that less than fifty humans on the globe have.

“don’t worry, ____. that hasn’t **null** ified my hopes. i’m still feelin’ **positive**.”

“Oh, you.” You can’t help but give Sans a little smooch on the top of his skull before continuing your reading, which gets his cheeks pretty blushed up. If he’s too distracted to focus on the text now, that’s completely on you.

It’s been about a week since the afternoon the blood bag _dropped_ in, which also makes it a week since you and him confessed. Since then, every step you’ve taken has practically felt like it’s been on a cloud; you love your best friend, and happiness with him is only ever a text, call, or visit away. Sans has taken advantage of his peculiar ability to zap around to different locations to let you visit any night you want. There’s no long commute to have to think about for getting home, when your bonefriend can get you there in about five seconds.

Not every day gets to be nothing but doing whatever around the house, though. As you promised Sans, you want to help him in any way you can to see if there’s some solution to his need for blood to have his best energy. If you only had Underground or surface resources, you’re not sure how confident you’d be in finding an answer, but with libraries now pooling info from both civilizations, you’re really hoping there’s something in there that can provide guidance.

Sans has made it clear that with the ketchup, the taste is fine enough, but having to take a drink from it every now and then to be at his best isn’t exactly a preferred thing. He’s not one to go on and on about it, but you know he deserves that kind of feeling 24/7, rather than just after drinking the mixture. Even if it takes a lot of trial and error, you’re completely determined to help him sort this out.

With that motivation in mind, you’ve spent each evening after work that you can with him either reading old books at the library, or cuddling up under a blanket cape at his place and looking through internet sources. To an outsider, it might seem like a silly way to spend so much time, but “How to help my part-vampire monster friend feel better” isn’t exactly common knowledge. So far, though, this evening’s gone the same as the others; interesting tidbits about how blood works, and nothing else.

“Hrmmm… sorry, Sans. Thought that one could have something.”

“eh, it’s no biggie. i’ve got plenty more jokes to antigen-erate now.”

“Ahaha, looking forward to it. I’m sure _anti-body_ will enjoy hearing them.” You’re not sure how much displays of affection are allowed at a library, but that’s the last thing on your mind, when you turn Sans around and share some forehead rubs with him, as you gently make the most scientific blood puns you can.

* * *

Despite the days in the library and Sans’ room without much success, neither of you lose courage, as you keep at it. That isn’t to say that you don’t let yourselves have fun, though; regimenting yourselves to always working on this could be worse than the answer itself. As October shifts into November, and more leaves fall from the trees, you find the interest that young you had in jumping into leaf piles returning, as Sans’ incredibly light weight makes it really fun for him, and as his special someone, you totally want to join in. Neither of you actually go through the effort of using a rake, opting to use leaf blowers instead. Papyrus probably wouldn’t be very happy, but when he’s back around wintertime, maybe you’ll shovel snow together to make up for it.

“geez, that was some tiring work. took a whole five minutes.”

“Yeesh, yeah, I don’t think I can stay on my feet anymore. Crash time.” Setting the leaf blower down, you hop into the pile, which you and Sans made sure would be big enough to support your not-kid height. He follows you into the pile, making a much lighter noise than when you landed in it, but when he pulls his head out, a belated Halloween spook happens.

“Oh, no! You got leaves in your eye sockets, Sans!”

“i did? huh. never felt it.”

“Oh. Phew, thought that’d sting like mad.”

“nah, i’m fine. time for these things to **leaf** me.” He shakes his skull around, making all the leaves come out of his eye sockets… well, almost all of them. You can’t help but notice that there’s a stem of a leaf sticking out of his nose hole.

“Erm… Sans?”

“yeah?” He doesn’t seem to notice this one, either.

“There’s, uh…” You don’t know how to put it to words, so you give the stem a little flick instead.”

“welp. that’s a first.”

“Want a hand getting it out?”

“sure thing, dr. ____.” Stretching his arms back for support, Sans lets you slowly pull the leaf out, as the leaf part spreads out when it returns to view, the same way an umbrella would when it’s been opened.

“There we go. You’ve said monsters don’t get illness, so that’s your one and only doctor visit out of the way.”

“heh, good work. i’ll make sure to leave five stars on ratemydoctor.com.”

“That’s a real thing?”

“i dunno. if it isn’t, i could make it for you. don’t have any money on me to leave a co-pay, so i hope this’ll do.” Pulling out his ketchup bottle to take a drink first, Sans catches you by surprise by tackle-hugging you into the leaves. The two of you have been lacking cuddles for a real long time, aside from the hugs that Papyrus gives his older brother, so you’re always glad to take an opportunity like this. It might not be as productive right now for the state of the leaf pile as Sans’ neighbors, but if happiness is the goal, it’s definitely working.

* * *

It’s not just cuddles you enjoy together, either; you make sure to get to all of Sans’ comedy shows and ‘dog selling you can. You’re not sure which impresses you the most: his ability to get a crowd that doesn’t know him at all to instantly be loving his way of words and warm demeanor, or how he can keep chatting and rally off jokes while putting a quality h’dog together. As you get deeper into November, and the days get chillier, more and more people appreciate getting to have a warm meal while walking down the sidewalk.

Warmness also comes into play for one of your newest hobbies: snoozing together. Whether it be a nap, or a full night of rest, wrapping your arms together and going to snooze town always feels good. The coolness of Sans’ bones and the light chuckles you each make from tired jokes sends you to a blissful sleep, each one having its own share of good dreams, often involving the skeleton you’re holding. Out of all of them, the oddest one was one where he was dressed up like Solid Snake from the hit game _Metal Gear Solid_ , destroying Metal Gear REX to keep the world safe. It sure made for a fun talk when you each woke up.

The weeks stay more or less the same as November passes into early December. The eight week pattern will be up soon, but Sans still has a decent amount of ketchup left, so he’s going to ask the blood bank to not contact you as quickly this time. The first snow of the season could be any day now, and you both want to be together for it. The research on blood continues to go nowhere, though, and you can’t really look anything up on vampires; you’ve never heard of an actual human one, and none of the ones in media can compare to the wonderful bonefriend you have. Still, neither of you lose hope, but you’re really hoping something can be figured out soon…

Until, one day, something unexpected happens on its own.

Usually, whenever Sans wakes up, he needs a good chug of his blood ketchup to get him going for the day. While he isn’t doing anything during his sleep, it’s still lots of time without it, so he has a bit of _ketching up_ to do, as he puts it. One morning, though, when he wakes up in your arms, something seems… different.

“h-hrmmm… mornin’, ____.”

“…Mmm, good morning, hun.” He pulls an arm out of the hug to rub his eye sockets, before he seems unusually surprised. A morning for Sans is typically pretty tired until he gets breakfast in his system, but it looks like something’s really got his attention.

“erm, ____... did you feed me my ketchup in my sleep?”

“Unless I was sleepwalking, no. Why?”

“it feels like i took a big drink of it, but… we just woke up.”

“…Woah, uh… I promise you, I didn’t do anything with the ketchup.”

“i believe ya. this is, uh…” He seems really lost for words.

“You… *yawn* okay?”

“yeah, i’m… better than okay. i don’t usually feel ready to rally out a day of shows out of bed.”

“I don’t know if anyone’s gonna come to the bed to watch the shows, but that’s great!” You bring your hug with him even tighter, and he does the same to you. Sans is right; you can see the brightness in his smile that he usually has during the day. Maybe it’s not a hundred percent there, but you can definitely see it.

“How do you feel about this? I’ve got no clue what it means, but I’ll do anything you want me to.”

“let’s stay like this a bit. i wanna share this fleshed out energy, with my favorite flesh.”

“Pfff, I can gladly do that.” This sure wasn’t how you were expecting the morning to start, but you’re thrilled by it. Your bonefriend looks and sounds so happy about this, as he makes a bunch of cozy _mmmrm_ noises in your grasp. You feel so lucky to be the one that gets all of this.

Throughout the rest of the day, you and Sans figured you could work with this new energy, to see how strong it is. Going completely off the ketchup from this seems too risky, so he still has some of it today, but not as much as usual. To the joy of you and him, he seems the same with less ketchup as any day before. It’s not a lazy day, either; you have a snowball fight out in his front yard, make hot chocolate inside after, and work through crosswords together when you haven’t warmed up enough yet to do much else. Sans sneaks the Crazybus theme into the music playlist he was using in the background, which helps you get the rest of the current puzzle done with ease.

“Nothing says solving a puzzle like a bunch of blaring noises.”

“nope. i could try learning it on trombone, but that would take a lot of skill for me to bus up.” Laughing, you plant a smooch on his cheek, which warms up, despite all the cold from outside.

Unfortunately, you have to be back at your place the following night to be able to get ready for work. You ask Sans to keep you posted on how he’s feeling the following morning, as you hope his good wakeup wasn’t just from how tight you were holding him. To your excitement, though, as you get your day started the next morning, you get a text from Sans with some wonderful news.

**“morning again, hun. whatever belated halloween spell you put on me’s working. i feel just as good as yesterday.”**

**“Aaaaa! I’m so happy for you! I promise I’m not some spellcaster in disguise, I really have no reason for why that could be happening.”**

**“aww, you don’t know a spell for free ice cream?”**

**“Oh, if I knew that kind of spooky power, you would’ve _reaped_ the benefits a long time ago, hun.”**

**“ah, well. would’ve left myself on thin ice if i didn’t ask.”**

**“Anyhoo, please, please keep me posted on how this is going. We can still keep up our research, but this is such a good thing for me to hear from you.”**

**“totally. love ya, ____.”**

**“Love you, Sans.”** Thinking about how his condition’s still better stays in the back of your mind through your whole shift, and when you come together later to make another trip to the library, you can see that it wasn’t a fib-ia; Sans only drinks about half the ketchup as usual through the evening.

Your readings on Monday and Tuesday end up with as little information as all the weeks prior had given, so rather than spending all your time after this change in events working, you decide to make Wednesday night a fun one- well, more fun on top of the consistent fun of being together, that is. Sans isn’t one to use newfound energy to go on a jog, or anything like that, but you bundle up and set up some festive lights outside the house together, before coming inside to enjoy some soup, as well as some professional wrestling on TV. Your bonefriend recommended this weekly show to you, and you’ve been hooked.

“Geez, don’t expect me to do anything like that to get to breakfast.” You point at someone that does a complete flip over the top rope to splash down on their opponent.

“i can do that part.” Sans gestures at the guy that’s being pinned, after being hit by that flip.

“Pinning?”

“no, being pinned. here, pin me right now. i’ll do a great **job**.” A “job” in pro wrestling is when you agree to lose to your opponent, and Sans follows up on his pun, getting off the couch and laying on the ground. Going with it, you drop on your knees to lift one of Sans’ legs up, and he counts his own “one, two, three”, declaring you the winner.

“see? told ya i could do it.”

“You nailed it, Sans. I’m so proud.” You give him a warm smooch over the teeth as he lays on the carpet, which turns into some more passionate affection, as wrestling noises keep playing over the speakers.

As the holiday season progresses, there’s no signs of Sans’ new blood-free energy going away; on the contrary, he’s needing less and less of his blood each week. The happy times and nights he spends with you, for some reason neither of you can understand, is making his need for blood dwindle. He’s still drinking some of it, just in case, but you can tell that it’s less each time you visit, and he’s let you know that it’s not only when you’re around.

Towards the end of the month, work gives you a decent break, but with no plans aside from more bonefriend time, you decide to change your research a bit. With learning more about the blood itself seeming meaningless, you decide to dig at more of the souls and love books that had been brought up from the Underground. You’re both hoping that perhaps that can explain why more time together is really helping things; monsters don’t get sick or hurt, so they never had doctors, but there could still be things that relate enough.

It takes a lot of books, as well as lots of hand-holding for confidence, but eventually, you start getting somewhere. There’s one that discusses the push monster pairs feel to go do things together after marriage, and while that isn’t something you and Sans have done (although, you have to admit you’ve daydreamt about it once… or twice), it looks like it could still relate.

Finally having something to pick apart, you both get as much as you can out of the book. A long while ago, Sans worked in the field of ‘science stuff’, as he put it, with his father, so he knows a thing or two about remembering fine details and piecing things together. It’s a pretty old book, so some of the words take some squinting to read, but you learn from its contents how monsters’ magic energy gets some sort of kick, once them and their significant other decide to make things official.

You agree that that’s enough of a cue. What you and Sans have going on right now isn’t marriage, but with how warm and affectionate your time together is, it’d look like one to an outsider. With your blood donation day being only a couple weeks away, Sans decides to make a bold choice.

“i’m gonna go off your blood completely.”

“You’re alright with that risk, hun? I really don’t want you feeling worse without it. If it’s just for my comfort, I’m fine with you using it, really.”

“it’ll be worth the risk. i wanna see if this book’s stuff about the energies is happening to us, too. if things tank, tanking more of the ketchup down my throat’s easy.”

“…Alright. I’m really proud of you for your courage.” You watch Sans set the ketchup bottle far back in his fridge, where he won’t be able to see it. Once it’s out of the picture, you try to distract yourselves from it with some dramatic Mario Party action, which does a good job. Nothing says a good, relaxed state of mine quite like watching your bonefriend take all of your stars.

To your excitement and Sans’, the lack of blood doesn’t cause a problem at all! You were worried on the first night that you’d wake up to a low-energy skeleton, but he looks just as fine as every night before. Each day, either by being together or through texts, he assures you that he’s feeling really well, which does a lot to keep you happy through your work.

With Sans not having a need for any new blood, you send the blood bank an email that you have ‘plans’ around the time eight weeks would pass. It’s not completely dishonest; you can’t exactly show up to volunteer on Saturday after an excuse like that, but ‘plans’ can include plenty of bonefriend time. Despite how much you’ve assured Sans that you don’t mind if he needs your blood, when you talk to him about it during that Saturday togetherness time, he seems really relieved.

“good. all that human stuff deserves to stay right there.” He pats your shoulder.

“You want all my blood to be in my shoulder?”

“yeesh, i dunno about that. it’d probably look like you’d have a second head.”

“Yeah, I’d be head-ing to the hospital right away if someone saw that.”

After enough time and chats with you, Sans comes to a decision about how he wants to handle what’s been going on. The blood bank HQ has a wing for offices, where research and consulting is done for patients. That’s where he found out your blood really was working, through some sort of monster science, so if he goes back there, they can see how he’s doing now, and compare it to while he was using your blood.

“you can come with me, if ya want. wouldn’t hafta just stare at exciting white walls there.”

“Oh, I’ll definitely come, if I’m allowed. You feel ready to do something like that?”

“yeah, i think so. didn’t wanna bring this up earlier, in case i was off the mark for all this, but our together time and the stuff in that book are enough for me. there’s only so much we can do on their own, but when someone’s got, like, three or four degrees, they maaaaaaybe know a thing or two more about this stuff.”

There’s a joke somewhere in there about driving a stake into these problems, but you don’t know how close Sans feels to the part-vampire in his mix, so you hold off. Vampire weakness jokes or not, though, you’re glad you can be with Sans when he gets this meeting set up. From what he’s told you, he had Papyrus to be with him during various meetings in the Underground for things that tried and failed, but with him being out and about with his mascot duties, he hasn’t been able to join his brother for these in person. Alas, not every skeleton can teleport.

Thinking of Sans having to go to another one of these blood results meetings alone, whether it be for something good or bad, wouldn’t sit well with you at all. You’re gonna be there to support your bonefriend, and no matter what happens there, you tell him you’ll keep having his back… er, spine.

* * *

“Good afternoon, Sans and ____! H-Hope you two didn’t get too frozen in that snow!”

“nah, i just zipped ____ and myself here. the snow was snowhere around us.”

“Pffff, yup, nothing to _freeze_ up our troubles.” You laugh and squeeze your hands together. There was a fairly big snow last night, and while anyone else might have to rearrange their plans for that, Sans isn’t ‘anyone else’.

“Looks like you found just the right person, Sans. You’ve got the same sort of lingo. Ready to follow me?” Dr. Alphys walks back into the hall of the facility, beckoning for you and Sans to follow. Blood might still be the focus, but this part of the headquarters looks like a typical doctor’s office building. The walls are all bright white, save for an occasional poster, as well as some fake blood prank that it looks like some people still have equipment to try to scrub out. You’d ask about it, but she’s probably heard about it each and every day she’s in, so you save it for later. Eventually, you arrive at the room, which is about the same as the hall, save for some _Mew Mew Kissy Cutie_ figures; far enough from the rest of the materials, of course.

“Alright, Sans, want to sit down on the chair again?”

“sure thing. our handholding’s gonna have to wait a bit, ____.”

“It’ll be worth it. Being allowed to tag along is already real nice.”

“of course i want ya to tag along. something to look at that makes me all happy.”

“You mean the poster about internal organs doesn’t get you smiling?”

Alphys knows enough about how you two operate to get you both laughing with that. You do have to let Sans go to his seat, though, so you give his hand one more squeeze before he walks over to it. He sits down on the front, with the bottoms of his slippers sort of just hanging out.

“Alright, so you’ve said you’ve been ketchup-free for three weeks, right?”

“yup.”

“And that you feel just as good as you would if you regularly had the blood before?”

“yuppers.”

“Hmmm… three weeks should be enough for all of the ketchup to wear off. ____, you’ve noticed this change when your, erm… love bubbles got closer?”

“Yep, he’s being completely honest. I’ve seen that energy come up so much lately.”

“W-Well! Love causing something like that is a new one to me, but it’s science. There’s always a chance for new things to be discovered. I’ve compiled internal energy levels, both from when you’ve had the blood, as well as other averages from monsterkind. I’ll d-do the test on you, and once I’ve compared the results, I’ll explain what I see.”

“The test?”

“oh, yeah, never explained the test. don’t worry, ____. it’s real easy. first, they knock me out, then they take this huge needle, and then…” He sees how a lot of the blood’s left your face.

“heh, just kidding, ____. it ain’t that hard.”

“S-Sans is right, ____, it’s not that… intense. Um, all I do is take this device that’s sort of like a stethoscope and press it onto his neck.... s-sorry, neckbones. It’ll spit out a bunch of numbers, and I’ll see how they match up with the others.”

“Oh. Yeah, that does sound better.” Opening a cabinet, Alphys pulls out a device that does look like a stethoscope, just without the ear pieces to hear a heartbeat. Sans brings down his shirt and hoodie a bit to reveal enough of his vertebrae, and even though you’ve seen them plenty of times during nighttime cuddles, they still make your heart skip a beat each time.

Part of you is expecting a whoopee cushion or some other noise maker to be hiding under there as a joke, but alas, there isn’t any. Alphys presses the device onto Sans’ ‘neck’, squinting to look at an array of numbers. It’s only a couple inches tall, so the display must be really small. Either through careful looking or some sort of high-tech glasses, which you wouldn’t put past monsters possibly using, she jots down a bunch of numbers on a clipboard, and says she’ll be back in a few minutes once she’s pieced everything together. As she leaves the room, you notice something you hadn’t seen on her before; a big, glistening ring over her left hand’s ring finger. You don’t want to interrupt whatever science stuff she’ll be doing, so you decide to ask later. Now, it’s just you and Sans in the room.

“So, erm… you feeling okay about all this?”

“yeah. a little nervous about what this is gonna show, but i don’t think it’s just ____ motivation that’s giving me all this energy.”

“Hope so, you deserve to have all this be finished.” Sans doesn’t have a reason to stay on the long chair, so he comes back to see you, wrapping his hand back around yours. Your seats are by this desk that Alphys has set up, so she must use the same space for testing and work. Smart.

“What’s all this stuff with the numbers?”

“oh, that. i’m sure ya know that monsters aren’t made of the same stuff humans are. magic, our souls, and all that jargon.”

“Yeah?”

“well, that thingamabobber you just saw measures how strong that magic energy’s working inside a monster. the higher it is, the more push they have to go around and do what monsters usually do. just about all of them are at least at the average, and my brother’s gotten a test, for the heck of it. guess how much higher his percentage is.”

“Hmmm… 42?” You’ve got no idea how these numbers work, so the answer to life, the universe, and everything seems like a fair guess.

“close. 42.7.”

“Oh… huh. That was lucky.”

“heh, maybe you should start workin’ here, too.”

“Eh, I dunno. That seems like a lot of time at work, which would make less time sansational.” Sans chuckles, but his glance starts shifting away a bit. He still seems fairly nervous.

“If you don’t wanna explain the rest, I understand.”

“no, it’s fine, i’ll keep goin’. a monster’s number being lower than the average is pretty unheard of, the test’s usually just to see if cases like my bro have more to perk them up. i don’t think it’d take more than one guess to think of where mine landed.” You nod your head.

“so, once your sample worked, they tested me again, and saw that my numbers wound up in the normal range. that’s how it ended up bein’ so perfect. i guess now they’re testing to see if us lovin’ each other is somehow enough to make that work, or if… erm…” He looks away again, appearing afraid of the thought that he could be wrong about all this.

“Hey, hey, I’m not going anywhere, Sans. No matter what those results are, I’m staying with you.”

“what if it doesn’t work, though? like i’ve said before, i don’t wanna turn you into some blood atm. there’s a beating heart behind that withdrawal, not just some cold machine that spits out cash.”

“We’ll figure something out. I believe in you, me, and us. Please, don’t think anything’s gonna make me go. You’re too darn perfect for that.”

“…alright. thanks, ____. bein’ with you, and my brother’s success, have been my favorite parts about being up here, not counting the blood at all.” You draw his skull into your chest for a hug, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder. If you could make every worry he has right now go away, you would, but hopefully this result can do that.

The rest of the wait’s silent, aside from the little noises Sans makes every now and then in your hug. After a few minutes, though, you hear the door handle opening again, so Sans gets off the hug and sits back down on the seat next to you.

Alphys enters the room again, and… she’s got a huge smile. Like, a smile that says she just saw the ten-thousand dollars symbol on a lottery ticket. Her lip even looks like it’s quivering a bit.

“O-oh, erm… S-Sans, I was gonna ask if you want to sit n-next to ____ for this, but it looks like! You d-did that already! Eheheh…” She comes over to her side of the desk and sits down, placing the clipboard on it. The numbers are still facing her direction, so it looks like she’s waiting to share them.

“S-So! I took your numbers, and compared them to each and every t-time you came in for a test with ____’s blood before. To be extra sure I’m giving you the right answer, I ran them by all twenty of our control group’s monsters, too.”

“Twenty helped out for this? You’ve got a big following for your comedy, Sans.”

“heh, they’re random picks, but thanks. maybe i’ll send them all an invitation.”

“A-Anyway, I did as much c-comparing as I could. I think you two are going to like what you’re about to see. R-Ready?” Sans manages a gulp, despite not having an ounce of flesh, and nods his skull. Turning the clipboard around, Alphys pushes it towards you and Sans, so you can see what it says, and…

“…it’s perfect.”

Sans is right. It is perfect. Despite not having a drop of your blood for weeks, Sans’ internal magic energy levels are exactly the same as when he did have your blood. He’s not behind the rest of monsterkind, either; it exactly matches up with the average of the control group his numbers were placed against.

No one says anything for about twenty seconds. Sans looks completely in awe of this, his eye sockets wider than you’d ever seen them before. His mouth’s starting to look like it’s quivering, too, as he looks back up at Alphys.

“…it’s… it’s all true? the office didn’t give me an april fool’s joke this early?”

“Oh, no, Sans, we wouldn’t d-do anything like that to you. We’ll find a joke when that time comes, but it wouldn’t be something as cruel as that. There’s no textbook reason I can give for how this is happening, aside from maybe the magic in your body getting some sort of reaction, but y-your love of your best friend has cured you.” She stops for a moment, letting Sans silently take this in, before continuing.

“I can tell just from looking at you two that it’s all genuine, too. I doubt something like this could happen if anything was forced.”

“Never. I love this pile of bones more than anything else.”

“a-and i think this pile of flesh here’s the best flesh to ever walk the earth.”

“Then as your doctor and lead scientist for this, I can… wow… t-tell you to go off ____’s blood. It looks like your love is stronger than any blood donation could be for you. If things between you stay the same, which I’m really c-confident they will, it looks like the cure to your issue’s sitting right next to you.”

Still silence from Sans. It’s been a long while since that first dinner together, and you can safely say you’ve never seen him as struck as this before. He keeps looking over the numbers, making sure nothing could be wrong, before looking at you with the biggest grin.

You hope your brain gets a good picture of what you’re looking at, because it’s one of, if not the best thing you’ve ever seen. It’s more than just the ‘weight off your shoulders’ cliché; it’s like a whole boulder was pulled off, much like how Alphys’ special someone, Undyne, suplexes boulders with ease.

“…bud, you… you went ahead and saved me from this, you…” With no idea what to say, he wraps himself around you again, but this time, it’s much tighter. A tear runs down your right cheek, and you make no effort to try to stop it.

“This is the b-best! You d-deserve this comfort, you wonderful, spectacular person.”

“well, comfort’s real easy around you, heheh…” You can feel a tear of his own pressed up on your chest, making you bring him in even tighter.

“I’m so lucky to get to enjoy your best life with you.”

“m-me too, bud.”

“Eeeee!” You’re both cut off by what sounds like a smoke alarm at first, but as you both look at Alphys, you see that it came from her instead.

“O-Oh! I’m sorry, you t-two, it was just so… cute, ahaha, watching you two c-cuddle up like that…” She looks away with a bit of an awkward blush, but you assure her it’s all fine.

“No worries, we did decide to do this in your office. You can react to it however you want.”

“yeah, i might eeeee, too, if i saw something this eeeeextra nice play out.” Your glance goes over Alphys’ hands again, reminding you of what you thought of asking earlier.

“Oh! I didn’t want to interrupt the results earlier with this, but what’s the ring for, Alphys?”

“Ah! The ring! It’s… eheh…” She clears her throat.

“Undyne and I g-got engaged!”

“Ayyyyy! Congrats!’

“that’s wonderful, buddo! we all have things to eeeee about!”

“Awww, thanks! You’re b-both invited to the wedding, if you wanna come.”

“totally. with the interests you two have, i’m sure it’s gonna be the most nutso wedding ever, in a good way.” It’s the perfect chance for you to quietly whisper something into where Sans’ ear would be, if he had them.

_“Until we have our Birdemic-themed one someday.”_

_“what?”_

_“What?”_ Pulling away from the whisper, you share excited chatter with Alphys and Sans about… well, everything relating to the great news you all shared. Hopefully, no one’s waiting to meet with her anytime soon, because you all have a **lot** to talk about.

* * *

With blood out of Sans’ equation, surface life couldn’t be better for him, as he switches to the bloodless life that a skeleton should have. A week after the big news, Papyrus returns from his long, long mascot excursion, as you learn how amazing one of his hugs is. To your relief, he believes that you’re the best kind of person Sans could have around, giving full confidence in “YOUR POWER TO JOKE THE WORLD TO PIECES”, as he says.

Blood aside, ketchup is still Sans’ favorite drink, so he still often takes a bottle around with him when you’re out doing stuff together. It never feels like an obligation anymore to drink from it, though, so he can enjoy it whenever his ‘heart’ desires. You don’t know if he really counts as being part-vampire or not, but the jokes about it don’t leave, which he seems fine with.

There’s never a single issue with your love being more powerful than the blood, either. Despite not living together, the care you have for each other works wonders, both when you are and aren’t in the same room. Eventually, you move in with the bone brothers, to everyone’s pleasure. The new work commute isn’t an issue; on the contrary, you get even more time to sleep in, since Sans can get you to work faster than you ever could on your own.

That wedding for Undyne and Alphys, which winds up being one of the first monster and monster marriages on the surface since the Barrier was made long ago, ends up being as nutso as Sans said it would be. It’s far from a conventional wedding, as the whole thing’s themed to anime, as well as Undyne’s newfound love for professional wrestling. It fits right into her hobbies and habits, and since you and Sans started watching together recently, you’re able to fully appreciate the theming.

It’s not long after that Sans and yourself have your own wedding. The proposal was inevitable; a when, rather than an if. Sans ended up being the one to do it right out of bed one morning, so you didn’t have to worry about finding the right place and time. You’ve still been donating to the blood bank since Sans got his cure, just to be used for more typical reasons, so as a memory of what brought you together, you get a bit of your recent donation put in a little plastic case. Sans keeps it in his tuxedo pocket when the big day comes, which you and him agreed to keep very, very low key, having it near the spot by the river where you got those gyros together. From that day on, you share the most wonderful, relaxed marriage you could ever hope for, with a part-vampire skeleton that’s never once bitten anyone, and never will. It’s not how you thought life would go, but each time you look at that smile of his, you’re reminded of just how overrated predictions can be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading my story! I'd had this idea for a while, but spooky month seemed like the best time for it, so I waited. I'm glad I did, because it was a very fun project to do over the month, and I loved seeing all the warm feedback that people had to say about it. I'll be making a skele-ton more Sans/Reader content, so if you liked this story, feel free to stick around for more to come! I've gotta acknowledge merrylenny01's art again, as it's all been fantastic. I feel honored to have such wonderful artwork made to help bring my story to life. Thanks again for taking the time to read He Doesn't Bite, have a wonderful Halloween, and if you're reading this afterwards, I hope your next Halloween goes great! My discord tag is ComicalFont#1298, if anyone wants to chat about how wonderful the bone bros are.


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